Google

This is a digital copy of a book that was preserved for generations on Hbrary shelves before it was carefully scanned by Google as part of a project

to make the world's books discoverable online.

It has survived long enough for the copyright to expire and the book to enter the public domain. A public domain book is one that was never subject

to copyright or whose legal copyright term has expired. Whether a book is in the public domain may vary country to country. Public domain books

are our gateways to the past, representing a wealth of history, culture and knowledge that's often difficult to discover.

Marks, notations and other maiginalia present in the original volume will appear in this file - a reminder of this book's long journey from the

publisher to a library and finally to you.

Usage guidelines

Google is proud to partner with libraries to digitize public domain materials and make them widely accessible. Public domain books belong to the public and we are merely their custodians. Nevertheless, this work is expensive, so in order to keep providing this resource, we liave taken steps to prevent abuse by commercial parties, including placing technical restrictions on automated querying. We also ask that you:

+ Make non-commercial use of the files We designed Google Book Search for use by individuals, and we request that you use these files for personal, non-commercial purposes.

+ Refrain fivm automated querying Do not send automated queries of any sort to Google's system: If you are conducting research on machine translation, optical character recognition or other areas where access to a large amount of text is helpful, please contact us. We encourage the use of public domain materials for these purposes and may be able to help.

+ Maintain attributionTht GoogXt "watermark" you see on each file is essential for informing people about this project and helping them find additional materials through Google Book Search. Please do not remove it.

+ Keep it legal Whatever your use, remember that you are responsible for ensuring that what you are doing is legal. Do not assume that just because we believe a book is in the public domain for users in the United States, that the work is also in the public domain for users in other countries. Whether a book is still in copyright varies from country to country, and we can't offer guidance on whether any specific use of any specific book is allowed. Please do not assume that a book's appearance in Google Book Search means it can be used in any manner anywhere in the world. Copyright infringement liabili^ can be quite severe.

About Google Book Search

Google's mission is to organize the world's information and to make it universally accessible and useful. Google Book Search helps readers discover the world's books while helping authors and publishers reach new audiences. You can search through the full text of this book on the web

at|http : //books . google . com/|

I

1^1, \

1^1^=1

I»

Jests and Merry Tales

/

\ t

/

.1

^ A BANQUET OF

JESTS and MERRY TALES

Archie Armstrong

Court Jester to King James I. and King Charles 1

1611 — 1637

J •* J ^ •

/iV r^^ ORIGINAL QUAINT SPELLING

LONDON: HAMILTON, ADAMS & CO GLASGOW: THOMAS D. MORISON

1889

• •

\Wjj\jt>j-<a. - SjVc^i^a

3-1-43

Biographical Note.

First published in 1630, Archie Armstrong's Banquet of Jests was so highly appreciated by our forefathers, that, in the course of thirty years, some nine or ten successive editions were printed. Notwithstanding the issue of so many impressions, extremely few copies of these early editions appear to have survived the diligent use made of them by our primogenitors of two hundred and fifty years back. It would appear as if the copies had, so to speak, been actually devoured And no wonder, — a more amusing collection of quaint stories, and laughter-moving tales, is not to be found among either the early or recent collections of a like nature. Its great rival of one hundred years later, — namely, the work published as Joe Miller's Jest Book, — as issued in the original form, for genuine wit and fun is not to be compared with Archie's work. Afterwards however, in the course of suc- cessive editions, Joe Miller's was vastly improved in these respects.

In addition to the immense fund of amusement to be found in its pages, this work is highly valuable as

2 BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE.

throwing much light on the social customs and ideas of the period, and that, too, in connection with all ranks and sections of society — it will be observed that the author classes the collection into Court, Camp, College, City and Country Jests. The author saw and experienced life under these many aspects him- self; varying from his own peasant-home in the North to that of the Court of his Sovereign. With the faculty of observation highly developed, and endowed naturally with a keen sense of the ludicrous, the author was peculiarly endowed for the congenial taste of compiling a " banquet of jests."

On account of several of the earliest editions not bearing the name of Archie Armstrong, and so pub- lished anonymously, some doubt has been thrown on the matter of authorship. But we think such doubts unjustifiable. That son[ie of the early editions were published anonymously is not surprising — such a thing has not been at any period at all uncommon ; and it may be, that, without first knowing what sort of recep- tion the book would get, the Court Jester might not wish to risk associating himself with the work. But, in any case, as several editions bearing his name as author were published during his lifetime, that should be quite sufficient and satisfactory reason for holding him to be the actual writer of the book.

BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE. 3

Although there are numerous references to Archie Armstronor in the State documents and literature of the period, after he became connected with the Court, little is known regarding his early history. But the story goes, that, in a case of sheep-stealing on the Border, the thief was tracked to a moorland cottage, where was found no one but a seemingly half-witted lad vacantly rocking the cradle of some apparently younger member of the family. The baffled officers were just about to retire and give up the quest, when a sudden thought instigated them to upset the cradle, and, to their amazement, the sleeping infant turned out to be the dead missing sheep. The discomfited thief was at once seized upon, and taken to Jedburgh, where Kinor James was holdin<i: a Court of Justice.

Condemned to die for his crime, the knowing sheep- stealer made his first, but by no means last success in out-mastering his Sovereign. Knowing King James* , weakness for theological matters, Archie Armstrong — for it was he — pleaded that he was a poor ignorant man, who had only recently heard of the Bible, but was desirous for his soul's sake to read through the precious volume, begged his Majesty to respite him until he had done this. The Monarch, pleased to find the thief in such a sensible and repentant state of mind, at once acceded to the request. On which

4 BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE.

Archie immediately rejoined to his friends near him in a low voice and with a sly look : —

" Then, de'il tak' me an' I ever read a word o*t as lang as my een are open ! "

The remark being overheard, and the King being afterwards informed of it, was so taken with the fellow's ready wit, that he forthwith employed him in his service, beginning about the year 1611.

The service seems to have been at first, that of a gentleman's groom of the King's Chamber, arranging matters for his royal master when travelling about. The post must have been one of some honour, as, when occupying it, he was made a free burgess of the city of Aberdeen. Later on, however, and for a con- siderable term of years, Archie is spoken of as the Court Fool, under which designation many refer- ences are made to him in the State Papers and literature of the day.

The position and character of Court Fool of former days may, on the part of many be somewhat under- valued or misunderstood. As a rule, he was a com- pound of humour, tact, impudence, and genius, and his position involved less that of being a fool than that of playing or acting the fool. In many instances, he who wore the cap and bells had more sense than the man who was decorated with a coronet. And Archie

BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE. 5

Armstrong was as shrewd, sensible, witty, and good- humoured an individual as ever filled the time- honoured station to which he had been promoted. Through these excellent features of character he ere long got well established at Court, and became a per- sonage of no little importance.

As a specimen of Archie's admirable wit, his conversa- tion with the King in reference to the secret expedition of the Royal Prince into Spain has been frequently given :

"I must change caps with your Majesty," said Archie.

" Why ? " asked the King.

" Why ! Who intends sending the Prince into Spain ? *' replied Archie.

"Ah! but supposing that the Prince should come safely back again ? " remarked the King.

" In that case I will take the cap from my head, and send it to the King of Spain," replied the Jester.

Probably the foregoing was a mere passing jest on Archie's part, as he himself accompanied the Prince in this romantic expedition. At the Spanish Court the royal fool seemed to be highly popular, and ap- pears to have exercised all the privileges there that appertained to the post at home. Howell, in one of his letters from the Spanish Court makes an interesting

WHP

6 BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE.

reference to Archie's popularity and character. He says : — " Our cousin Archee hath more privilege than any, for he often goes with his fool's coat where the Infanta is with her menials and ladies of honour, and keeps a blowing and a blustering among them, and flirts out what he lists."

His bold, manly wit lost nothing of its keenness in the southern clime. As an illustration of this the fol- lowing incident may be given : — A party of noblemen and ladies were one day discussing the gallantry of the Duke of Bavaria, who, with a small force, had routed a large army in Germany, when Archie, watch- ing his opportunity, suddenly exclaimed —

" Oh, I will tell you a stranger circumstance. Is it not more singular that one hundred a.nd forty ships should have sailed from Spain to attack England, and that not ten of them should have returned to tell what had become of the rest •? "

This showed on the part of Archie no small amount of pluck and patriotism.

But after his return to liagland, this great bold- ness on the part of the jester brought him into trouble. It would appear that to jest with kings and princes was pardonable, but that the line was drawn there, and did not include arch-bishops. Archie's plain speech and Scotch blood sometimes got the better of

BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE. 7

his prudence, and in giving expression to his dislike to Archbishop Laud, he brought about his own down- fall. In Scotland, at this time, the Act of uniformity regarding public worship was being enforced, to the intense dislike of the community at large. Archie, with his strong national sympathies, shared in his countrymen's dislike to Laud, and took every oppor- tunity of giving expression to such feelings.

One day, in presence of the prelate, he asked per- mission to say grace, which on being granted, he uttered the following excellent bit of wit — "Great

praise be to God, and little Laud to the Devil."

»

With regard to the ecclesiastical disturbances in

Scotland. The Act having been successfully resisted by

the people, this caused considerable anxiety at Court,

when the Archbishop on his way one day to the

Council Chamber was assailed by Archie's taunting

and exultant voice exclaiming, " Wha's fule noo ?

The inference was too broad, and especially the insult

being one of a long series, was too much for the church

dignitary's forbearance. The bold jester was on Laud's

complaint brought before the King in Council. He

pleaded the privilege of his order, but in vain.

On the 11th March, 1637, Archie was condemned to

have his coat pulled over his head, to be discharged

from the King's service and be banished the Court.

8 BIOGRAPHICAL NOTE.

But though bereft of his occupation, Archies spirit was still unsubdued, and his tongue wagged as freely as ever. A week after, a friend met him dressed in black. The friend condoled with him on his dismissal, and asked about his former gay coat. When Archie replied — " My Lord of Canterbury hath taken it from me because he or some of the Scots bishops may have use for it themselves."

In the matter of money, the Court fool was quite the reverse of a fool. What with pensions, gratuities, and other pickings, Archie contrived to feather his nest so well, that on his compulsory retirement he was enabled to purchase an estate in Cumberland, and flourish there as a landed proprietor to a green old age. As one of the contemporary poets put it — "Archee, by Kings and Princes graced, of late Jested himself into a fair estate." And Again —

"And Archee, that riche foole, when hee least dreams For purchast lands, must be possest of meanes."

Archibald Armstrong died in the parish of Arthuret in Cumberland in the end of March, 1672. In his years of retirement and quiet country life, no doubt the quondam fool would find much pleasure in revising and enlarging edition after edition of his immensely popular Banquet of Jests,

CONTENTS.

PAGE

Biographical Note ... ... ... ... ... 1

The AutJwr to the Reader ... ... ... ... 22

To the Peruser of this Book ... ... ... ... 24

COURT JESTS.

Lib. I. Part I.

On a Court Lady ... ... ... ... ... 25

Of a Country Gentleman Coming to Court ... ... 26

A Nobleman in his Gallery ... ... ... ... 26

One travelling to Rome ... ... ... ... 27

On a Flatterer ... ... ... ... ... 27

An Epitaph ... ... ... ... ... ... 28

To Chuse a Wife ... ... ... ... ... 28

A Gentleman Knighted ... ... ... ... 29

On a Courtier ... ... ... ... ... 29

An Epitaph ... ... ... ... ... ... 30

Pictures hanged ... ... ... ... ... 30

On a Gentleman, and his Mistresse ... ... ... 30

A famous Painter ... ... ... ... ... 31

The King a Hunting.,, ... ... ... ... 32

A Rape roote ... ... ... ... ... ... 32

An Abominable Truth ... ... ... ... 34

Of one Fowle a Gentleman ... ... ... ... 34

A Gentleman Knighted ... ... ... ... 35

On a fantasticke Gentleman ... ... ... ... 35

10

CONTENTS.

On a Dwarf e , , . On S, P. Q. R. On a Painted face On the same . . . One hegg^dfor afoole Of Bishop Bonner An Office in Reversion OJ taking tlie wall

On Curtailing names

»

A Lovely Mistresse

Qneene Elizaheth entertained

Of a Nobleman and a Physitian

Of the Emperour Frederick and a Beggar

On Gray Hayres

Of a Gentleman that played vyith false Dice

Of a Papist to he converted ...

On the degrees of Age

The King of Swedens Goose ...

On a Counter y Attumey

On Rosa

A Gentleman to his Mistresse, . .

Who the sv/rest Friend

A Wittie put off

A Noble and Wise saying The Transposition of Letters ... An A nswer wise and witty ...

Another

A Nohlemans Steward

Of a Lawyer and his Tayhmr

A j/retty conceit to make up rime

PAGE

36

36

37

37

38

38

39

40

40

40

41

41

42

43

43

44

44

45

45

46

46

46

47

47

48

48

48

49

49

60

CONTENTS.

Of a Judge to a Client

Arche over reached

An Englishman and a French man courting a A witty answer from, a Court Lady ...

A Censure in the Cha/ncery ...

A Country Gentlewoman going through one

Inns of Court

Of a Bishop to his Servingm^n

An Answer touching Marriage

A long Bill ... ...

An Englishman in Frant^e

A demure Lady

Of Travelling . . .

Wom^n Writers

A Silly Question

A Wise Answer

A Taunt to a Lawyer

Two friends well met ...

Lady

of the

11

PAGE

50

50

51 52

52

53 53 .54 54 55 56 57 57 58 58 58 59

C A M P E JESTS.

Lib. I. Part II.

A Casheird Captaine ... ... ... ...

A wager of Eating

Two old Captaines

Of Grave Mav/rice and Marquesse Spinola . . .

Of a Captaine to he arrested ...

An old Goose ...

Of an English Gcnerall to some of his Officers

60 60 61 62 62 63 63

12

CONTENTS.

A Marriner in a storme

A Salutation bettvixt two Captaines ...

A desperate Saylor

A drunken Souldier ...

An A hhominahle truth

Of a Welch-man that challenged the field

A sharpe Sword,

A pretty way to reconcile enemies

Two Ancient Companions

A Stolen pigge., .

A Little Sword

Of a marry ed mxin who had hut one eye

«

Of a Gentleman-Usher to fight a Duell

A resolute speech of one contemned for his low parentage

A Souldier-like Answere

A Desperate Lyer

An old Song on the Spanish Armado in ^88. . .

To the Beader,..

PAGE

64

64

65

65

65

66

67

67

68

68

69

69

70

71

71

72

72

75

COLLEDGE JESTS.

Lib. I. Part III.
A Tutor and his Scholler	76
The Principall of an house ...		76
Of a Doctor's man		77
Of Peter Man'tyr ... ....		78
A Young Master of Arts		78
Two SchoUers ...		79
Of a Scholler married, . .		80

CONTENTS.	13
		PAQK
An Epitaph		80
One created Master of Arts ...		:.. 81
Of coughing in one^s Grave ...		81
Of the Twelve Signes ...		82
A Gentleman and a Parson . . .		83
Of Bishop Gardiner ...		84
Playing with Words ...		... ' 84
A Witty Answer		84
Of a Translator		85
A Scholhr and a Townsman . . .		85
A Traveller drowned ...	•	86
A Doctor's Answer		86
A Doctor and a Scholler		87
A n Epigramme		87
A moderate Drinker ...		87
A Boyes answer to Queene Elizabeth...	88
Bellarmine confuted ...	• • • • • •	89
Of the Word Ominous ...	« • • • « •	89
An Epitaph on Mr. K itching...	• • • • • • *	90
Of a Doctor of Physicke that lay	sicke	90
Of Women	• • • • ■ •	91
An Epitaph	• • • « • •	91
A young Scholler* s devise	• • • • • • «	92
A ColledgeCooke and a young Scholler	92
A Physiognomer		93
Upon the burning of a Schoole		93
Cold Weather...		95
Lawyers amd Souldiers		95
A Metamorphosis of fooUs ...		96
Plato's yeare		96

1

14 CONTENTS.
A Souldier begging of a Scholler ...	PAGE 97
A pretty passage ...	97
A Fune) all Sermon ,..	98
Toyo Schollers and a Miller ...	98
A conceite oj a Woman	98
A Jest upon a Goose	99
0/ early rising	99
A Major of Oxford ...	100
Of M, Coales and M. Billet...	101
A Priest and a Patron	101
Of a Scholler and his Sweetheart ...	102
Of one that came to take Orders	102
On small Beere	103
An Old Latins Verse, made witty use of .	104
Oftlte Masse	104
Of three Cainbndge Schollers	105
A simple fellowes Answere ...	105
A Scholler and a Dyer	106
Upon Old Hchson the Carrier of Cambridg	e ... 106
Hobsons Epitaph	107

CITIE JESTS.

Lib. II. Part IV.
A Counsellour and his Client	109
Of a Countrey mxin ..,	109
A Gentleman and a Barber ...	110
A Papist and a Puritan	110
Of a Frieze Jerking s	111

CONTENTS.

A great Eater

A Gentleman and a Citizen.,.

A Clarke of a Chwrch

Of a Cheesemonger ...

One with a great nose

An English Man at a French Ordinarie

A Cheater and a Tapster . . .

A man on the Gallowes

Two scuffling in tlie Streete . . .

A Drunkard and his Wife . . .

Of a Horse and a Pecke of Oysters,

A Famous Thief

Gentleman at a Taveme

Of a very red Nose ...

Two Inne keepers

Two old Widdows ...

A Horse Stealer

A Cheater

A handsome Wench and a Justice

A cleanly lye,..

Gentleman at an Ordinary . . .

Of a deafe Hostesse ...

Of a Prentice

A Taveme reckoning

A n Empericke a/nd his man . . .

A Gentleman and a Constahh

A Sleepy Drawer

A Simple Constable ...

A tall Gentleman and a low Taylor

Two Gentlemen falling out ...

15

PAGE

112 112 113 113 lU 114 115 116 116 117 117 118 119 121 121 123 123 124 124 126 125 126 126 126 127 127 128 128 129 129

16 CONTENTS.
		PAQB
A Drunkard	• • •	130
A Gwrmcmdizer	• • •	131
A Welch Reader	• • • 1	131
A Bishop and a Gentleman,..	• • • 1	131
A Jeast upon a Jeaater		133
Tlie Beversion of a house	• • •	133
A Welchman and a Cutpwrse	• • • %	134
A Penurious Citizen, and his Prentise	134
Of Swimming	• • • 1	135
Of a she-servcmt that came to take her oath	135
A Short Cloake	• « • *	136
Of Wine	■ tt • •	136
A Welchman Arrainged	• • • •	137
A Epitaph made upon an honest Cobler	137
Of a Gentleman visiting his friend		138
Of a Vintner's Boy ...		138
An Epitaph inade on a Cobler		.. • 139
An Oppressour		139
A wry Nose ...		140
• On TJstvry		140
Fire and Toe		140
Borrowing of a Cloake		141
Of a Chandler		142
A Justice and a Bawde		142
Of Jive Vintners		143
Two sirivinjfor the Wall ...		146
A Horse-Courser		146
One that parted a fray		146
A Bargaine in Smithfield . . .		147
A House Broken open		147

CONTENTS.

17

A Question made, in what place a Cuckold's hoinies

should grow A Citizen and his Wife Of one that kept his bed Of a Collier tliat tooke Tobacco A Scrivener and his man . . . A Cobler in the White Fryers One jealous of his wife One charming tJie Devill Of an unskilfull Painter Difference between Scot and Sot Of Praying for a Sone Concerning a Moving Discourse Of a bragging Wehhmun ... An^ Poore Scholar ...

PAGE

148 148 149 149 150 150 152 152 163 153 153 154 164 154

THE SECOND PART OF THE

CITIE JESTS.

Lib. II. Part V.

An Epitaph upon a scolding Woman

An unequal Marriage

Of two Women Scolding

A Woman amd her Confessour

One that had a Scold to his wife

An Invitation to Dinner

A Company at Dinner

155 166 156 157 157 158 158

18

CONTENTS.

Of Dicke Woodrofe and the Sergeants

An Answer from a Jaques Farmer . . .

A Gentleman and a Drawer, . .

A Wehhrnan Arraigned

A Countrey man comming to enquire after

man Of two vying wits together . . .- Of a Physitian amd a Farrier A greeting betwixt two Gentlemen . . . A Jest well retorted ... The good advise of an Host ... A man with one eye ... A Knavish Jest A caveat for Marriage In Toba^cconistam ... Of a new-married woman that called her

\j UCfCOtfil ... ... ... ...

A Woman beating Iier Husband

On a Scold ...

Of two Tylers

Of light gold.,.

Horses to Let

Of a Welchman to pay a reckoning . . .

A lu>ce^s maintenance

Of a Madman in Bedlam ...

Of a rich Citizen and his sonne

Of a Wench belonging to Hollands Leaguer

A drunken mans mistake ...

A FrenclirTnans observations

A m^odest Answere ...

a

Gentle

Husband

PAGE

159 160 161 161

162 163 163 164 164 165 165 166 166 167

167 168 168 168 169 169 170 171 171 171 172 173 173 174

CONTENTS.

19

A pretty shift

Women commending their husbands

None hutfooles refuse money offertd them

A Woman called her husband Cuckold neately

A Jest of the sonne upon the Father

A London Taylour ...

How an old man lost his sonnes

A hard match ...

A Jest upon a Taylor

The Taylors retort upon the Draper

A Jest put on a Drawer

A Bakers wife and her Sweetheart . . .

A pretty mistake

Of a Lawyer and a Constable

Two Doctors of rhysicke

Of a Grocer that broke

A Clergyman and a Clown...

Of a certain Fop

A Witty Jeare

An easie mistake

A Countrey fellow speaking of an Homily

Of asking the Banes of Matrimony.,,

Gentlemen in a Taverne

A pretty conceite

Two friends falling out

A tall man, and a low man..,

A corrupt Jury

One that preached against Usury . . .

Of Roaring Gallants

Of a Countrey Gentleman, and a City Barber

PAGE

174 175 175 176 176 177 177 178 179 179 180 180 181 181 183 183 184 184 185 185 186 186 187 187 188 188 188 189 190 190

20 CONTENTS.
COUNTRIE JESTS.
Lib. II. Part VI.	r% A /I VI
A Justice of Peace and a Horse stealer	PAQE 191
A Gentleman Arrested	191
J wo Welchmen in a Robbery	192
Of a Servingman	192
0/ a Justice and his Man ...	193
A Gentleman and a Theefe ...	193
A Spanish Travellour	194
A Father and his Daughter .. .	194
OfaSickeman	195
A Master of a Ship ...	195
A Land-lord and his Tenant	196
Of an old Beggar	196
Of a Tenant to the Archbislcop	197
OfaSignePost	198
Of a high way Lawyer	198
A Farmers wife and her sonne	199
A Gentleman and his Mistress	200
Stratford on Avon ...	200
A Country Fellow hunting with the King ...	201
A Country Fellow at a Gentlemans Table ...	201
A remarkable peece of Justice	202
Of a Calfe that was supposed to have eaten a man.	203
Of Two Travellours ...	204
A Doctor and a Countrey fellow ...	205
Of an Egge ...	205
A Countrey boy and a Cuckold	206
Of a Sheriffe and a Baker ...	206
A Passenger in a Tempest ...	207

CONTENTS.

21

PAGE

Of Frying Bacon 208

A Gentleman^ that Jiaving huHed his Wifo^ through

gripfe, died sonne after, . . ... ... ... 209

Of a Gleaner of Come ... ... 209

On a Butcher that married a Tanners Daughter ... 210

A Gentleman and a Chamberlaine ... ... ...- 210

A Countrey mans answer to his Landlord i,, ... 211

A Countrey fellow vindicating his Fathers credit ... 212

A Countrey man and his Landlord. . . ... ... 212

Of a Parsan and a sicke man ... ... ... 213

Of Giving the Lye ... . . ... ... ... 213

Of hv^nesse to no end ... ... ... ... 214

A Country man and his Hogge ... ... ... 214

Of seeing tlie Winde.., ... ... ... ... 215

A Drunkard and a Signe-post ... ... ... 216

A Man and a Maide betrothed ... ... ... 216

A Querulous Daughter ... ... ... ... 217

Of one onely pocket Sermon... ... ... ... 218

A Parson to his Sweetheart ... ... ... ... 218

Upon a Welchman ... ... ... ... ... 219

An ignorant mistake ... ... ... ... 219

A hungry Jest ... ... ... ... ... 220

A Carters reply to a Lawyer ... ... ... 220

A false hearted Woman ... ... ... ... 220

Of a Welch Deacon reading the Cominations ... 221

Of two men roVd^ and bound by tlieifes ... ... 221

Of a Major and his Serjeants ... ... ... 223

Of a Partner and a Baker ... ... ... ... 224

On M. Little, Major of Abingtoti. ... ... ... 225

On a Welchman Arraigned ... ... ... ... 225

APPENDIX.

Archy^s Dream

231

22

The. Author to the Reader.

OINCE Reader / before have found thee kinde,

Expect this new Impression much reflnde.

The coorser Gates, that might the feast disgrace,

Left out : And better served in, in their place,

Pasquels Conceits are poore, and Seoggins drie,

Skeletons meere rime, once read,, but now laid by,

Peelds Jests are old, and Tarletons are growne stale.

These neither barlce, nor bite, nor scratch, nor raile.

Banquets were made for laughter, not for Teares.

Such are these sportive Taunts, Tales, Jests and Jeeres.

23

BANQU ET

OF

COURT, CAMPE, COLLEDGE, CITIE, AND COUNTRIE

JESTS and MERRY TALES.

24

TO

The Peruser of this Booke.

T T THO ere thow bey that covim'st to reade this ^ ^ Boohey

Gome with a minde prepar'd to smile. Or else be gone, For here are none. But toyeSy loose hours to beguile. And when th'art come, cast no disdainfull looke, Nor loohe of scorne upon our Lines : For soone wee may. Perchance repay Such scorns into that face of thine.

But if thou canst sport at a harmelesse Jest ; If thou canst laugh {all frownes forgot^

If thou canst play.

With what we say. And passe by that which likes thee not ; If no vaine haughty pride raigne in thy brest. If thy cleane heart is purged from gall ;

Then reade, tis free.

For such as thee, To lav^gh, to sport, and play withall.

Banquet of Jests.

Court Jests.

Lib. I. Part I.

071 a CoiLvt Lady.

A COURT Lady at dinner, amongst divers gallants, -^^^ speaking of her age, said, she was but forty yeares old. When presently one of them rounded his next neighbour in the yeare : it would require (saith he) a stronger faith, than I have in me to beleeve this. But hee made answer, I must needs beleeve her, for, / have heard her say so, any time these ten yeares. 3

y

26 MERRY TALES.

Of a Country Gentleman Coming

to Court.

A COUNTRY Gentleman comming to enquire for -^^- one Mr. Wiseman, his Kinsman, who lived in Court, and belonged to the King, went bluntly to the Guard-Chamber, and speaking to him that kept the doore : I pray you Sir : till me (saith hee) Is there not one Wiseman amx>ng you ? Who answered, no indeed Sir, you had best enquire of the Queenes side.

A Nobleman in his Gallery.

A GENTLEMAN admitted to walke with a Noble- -^^- man in his Gallery, after many commendations of the pictures there hanging, for the best he had seene, had leave given him to chuse where he would, and it should be his owne. The Gentleman espying a faire Table, wherein the ten Commandements were curiously drawne in golden letters, even this (saith hee) so please your Lordship, shall be my choice ; for this likes my fancie best. But the Lord recalling himself e, answered ; that onely I forgot to except ; for I have vowed, and vowed by mine Honour, these ten Commandements shall never goe from me. Well

COURT JESTS. 27

(quoth the Gentleman) doe what you can, I assure your Lordship, you shall never keepe them, ^

One travelling to Rome.

A N English Gentleman having travelled as farre as -^^^ Borne, was by the mediation of some friends there resident, admitted with his man into the Popes presence ; to whom his Holinesse oflFered his f oote to kisse, which the Gentleman did with great submission and reverence. His man seeing it, and not before acquainted with the like Ceremony, presently makes what speed hee can, to get out of the Presence: which some of the waiters espying, and suspecting his hast, stajrd him, demanding withall, the reason why he kept such adoe to be gone. But the more they importun'd him, the more hee prest to get away. At length being further urg'd; why (sayes he) if they compell my Master being a Gentleman to kisse the Popes foot, i have a shrewd suspition ivhat part they will make me hisse, hein^g hut his Serving man

in mey

.7

T

On a Flatterer.

wo Gentlemen, notable for their activity, jump'd before King James; and when they had

28 MERRY TALES.

strained to the utmost they could, and reached a vast way ; the King jestingly said, Is this your best ? when I was a young man, I would have out-leaped this my selfe. An old Court-Earewigge standing by, and glad of any occasion to ingratiate himselfe, said, that you would Sir, I have scene your Majestic leape much further, 0' my soule (quoth the King, as his usuall phrase was) thou lyest : I would indeed have leaped further, hut 1 never could leape so farre by two or three feete.

An Epitaph.

o

NE Mr. Bomhdow died of the winde Collicke, on whom was writ this EpiM'ph.

Dead is Dicke Dum below. Would you the reason know : Could his taile have but spoken, His stout-heart had not broken. /

To ^ Chuse a Wife.

ONE being disswaded from marrying such a woman, because she was no wiser, replied, I desire that my wife should have no more wit, than to be able to distinguish my bed from another mans.

COURT JESTS. 29

A Gentleman Knighted.

T7^ ING James about to Knight a Scottish Gentle- -■■^ man, asked his name, who made answer, his name was Everard rudry hudrinblas iHplin hipplas. How, how quoth the King. Replyes the Gentleman, as before, Everard i^hdry hudrinblas tHplin hipplas. The King not able to retaine in memory, so long, and withall confusedly heap*d up name; prethee (saith he) rise up, and call thy selfe Sir, what thou wilt, and so dismissed him.

On a Courtier.

/^~\NE of our Scarlet C&urtiers lighting from his ^^ great prancing horse at the Court Gate, called to one that stood by, and bid him hold his horse, whilst he walked into the Court : The man seem'd afraid of the beast, and asked him, if hee was not unruly, and whether one man might hold him or no ; hee answered yes very easily. Nay then (saith he) If it he but one mans worke, I ivould wish you to doe it your selfe ; for I have other businesse than to walke horses.

30 MERRY TALES.

An Epitaph.

T T THEN the Lord Chief e Justice Mmvming, both ^ ^ a learned and mercif ull Gentleman, deceased, a pleasant fellow sported thus in a short Epitajph upon him.

Justice is dead, that was of Justice chief e. Who never hang'd a true man for a thief e. Nor ever was condemn^ed for condemning, Borne here in England, yet he dy'd a Flemming.

Pictures hanged.

A PHANTASTICKE Gentleman having bespoke -^^- divers Pictures to furnish a Gallery : when the Limner brought them home, hee would presently dispose them in their severall places. Here (saith he) hang this, here that, and there that ; but at this end, in full view of the doore, will I he hangd m/g selfe.

On a Gentleman, and his

Mistresse.

A GENTLEMAN, playing on the Lute, under his Mistresse window ; she disdaining his presence*

COURT JESTS. 31

and despising his Service, caused her servants to polt him thence with stones : of which disgrace complain- ing afterwards to a friend of his, his friend told him, that he had much mistaken the gentle woman: for what greater grace could she doe to your Musicke, than to make the very stones dance about youu, as they did to Orpheus.

A famous Painter.

A/riCHAEL ANGELO, the famous Italian -*^'-^ Painter, wrought all those peeces, or the most part of them, that are now to be seene in Saint Peters Church; and working privately, with a cur- taine before him, as not willing his Tables should be seene, till his Novissima manue had been upon them, and that they were compleat and perfect: being at that time about the resurrection, and last Judgement* where the Elect were on one side, and the Reprobate on the other ; he had observed a Priest, who would still be prying into his worke : wherefore to be revenged on him, hee thought no fitter occasion or meanes, * than to draw his face to the life amongst the damned, which he did with such Art & curiositie, that when his worke was set up, and publikely seene, there was not any that knew the Priest, but easily perceived it personated him : for which he grew to be a derision,

32 MERRY TALES.

and by-word amongst the people ; insomuch that they would say to his face; he was in Angeloes Hell already : for which hee made a great complaint to the Clergie, and at length petitioned to the Pope himselfe, that his face might be taken from thence, and another put in place. To whom the Pope gave answer, that hee must necessarily excuse him in the businesse : tor true it was, that if Angela had put kiim. into Purgatorie, he then had power in himself to have released him thence, hut being it was into hell, it was beyond his jurisdiction, for Ex inferis nulla redemptio, out of hell there ia no redemption.

The King a H'l

A Rape roote.

A

i/

' I ""HE King one day retiring from bunting, to re- -*■ fresh himselfe, and followers, leaned, or rather

sate on a fat corpulent Gentleman, somewhat to bis disease, who boldly bespake him in these words: I beseech your Majestie leame not too hard on yo>ir cushion, least you make tJie feathers fly out.

POOR Country fellow, who lived by Gardening and felling rootea, hearing the Emperour was

COURT JESTS. 33

a great and gallant man ; hee and his wife thought, according to the little portion of their wits, to present him with some Rape rootes, as they used to doe their Landlord. When presently to that purpose, she pro- vided a copetent company of faire and large ones, and delivered them to her husband, who betooke himselfe to his journey for Court. But by the way hunger provoking him, lind the fairenesse of the rootes enticing him, hee eate them up all, but one exceeding faire one, which he preserved for his present. At length he got to Court, and asked for the Emperour: some Noblemen by chance standing by asked him, what hee would have with him; he sayd he had a Rape roote for him : the Courtiers willing to prosecute the humour, for the mirth, that might ensue, had him before his highnesse, who when he had smiled a while at his folly, received his roote, and charged, that & thousand markes should be given him. A certaine Courtier hearing of the Emperours liberalitie, thought he would taste it too, casting thus with himselfe ; if he give a Country clowne a 1000 markes for a poore roote, what will he give a gallant Courtier for a good nag? wherefore watching his oppertunitie, hee presented him with a horse. The Emperour senting out his purpose, and in it, whispered to one of his bed-chamber, and bid him fetch such a thing, which when the Messenger had done, here (saith he) to the gentleman, calling him by his name ;

34 MERRY TALES.

your lucke is good, for that I bestow upon you a Jewel, here, which cost me a thousand markes, but the other day : the Courtier over-joyed after sub- missive reverence, and thanks given hasted to his fellowes, who flocked about him, to congratulate his good successe : where gently opening the paper, there was nothing in it but a dry Eape roote; whereat all the company laughed heartily; and the Gallant parted with his Gennet, for had I wist.

All Abominable Trttth.

A NOTABLE braggard boasted how it was his -^^^ chance to meete with two of his Arch-enemies at once : the one (saith he) I tost so high in the ayre, that had he had at his backe a Bakers basket full of bread, though he had eaten all the way, hee would have beene starved in his fall, ere he had reacht the ground : the other he struck so deepe into the earth, that he left no more of him to be scene above ground but his head and one of his armes, and those to no other end, than to put off his hat to him, as he had occasion to passe that way.

o

Of one Fowle a Gentleman.

NE Fowle by name, petitioning to a great man in this kingdome, was "a long while delayed.

COURT JESTS. 35

At length somewhat importunate, he stirred the Noble- mani^ patience so farre, that in a great rage he bad him get him gone, for a Woodcock as he was : at which the Petitioner smiling, humbly thanked his Lordship for that present curtesie: the Lord turning backe and supposing he had flouted, asked him what curtesie ? Why truely my Lord (quoth he) I have knowiie my selfe a Fowle these fifty yeares and upwards, but never knew what Fowle, till now your Lordship resolved me: his answere pleased, and his suite was dispatcht with all possible speede.

A Gentleman Knighted.

/~\NE being presented to King James to receive ^-^ the Order of Knighthood, came with a huge double Kuffe, of which the King taking notice : as he was ready to lay the sword on his shoulder, without demanding his name, spake to his band onely, and sayd, Rise up Ruffe, and goe to thy Ruffe, for thy Ruffts Ruffe hath a Ruffe. .

On a fantasticke Gentleman,

FANTASTICKE Gallant Courting a faire wittie Gentlewoman, at every second word of his pro-

A

36 MERRY TALES.

testation, he would be pawning his soule. She having a while listned to his vile language, at last wished him the next time he came that way. To bring another pawne ; for she greatly fear'd that was forfeit already.

On a Dwarf e.

A DWARFE was observed all summer long, never -^^^ to walke abroad without a Nosgay in his hand, nor in winter but with a paire of perfumed gloves. One that had long noted it, demanded of a Gentleman a friend of his, what he thought the reason thereof might be ; to whom he answered that in his opinion he did it not without great advisement and considera- tion. For (saith he) most necessary it is, that he should still carry some sweete thing in his hand, to smell too, whose nose is levell with every mans taile, \J that he followeth.

On S. P. Q. R.

\ JEST touching these letters, S, P. Q. K, Senatus -^"^ Populus-qiie Romanus. It so happened, that a new Pope being elected, meerely for his devotion, and austeritie of life, as using an extraordinary spare dyet, and seldome seene so much as to smile; yet

COURT JESTS. 37

after his Inauguration, comming to sit in Pontijicali- bu8, he used to feede high, to laugh heartily, and to countenance Jesters, and Buffoones to make him merry at his Table, which being observed, one sets up these foure words, being correspondent to the foure former letters, Sancte Paier Quare Rides ? Holy Father why doe you laugh ? Under which next day was written, Rideo quia Papa sum, I laugh because I am Pope.

On a Painted face.

A LADY, that used to Playster her face extreamly, -^^- so by Art, to repair the decayes of nature, was on a time, with divers others, invited abroad to dinner. But one of them an acquaintance of hers, wish'd her by no meanes to goe : Why (quoth my Lady) ? marry (replies the Gentleman) tis ten to one we shall be wondrous merry, and ycm cannot well laugh, for feare of shewing two faces.

On the Same.

THE same Lady told a Gentleman she desired much to have her Picture done to the life: why tis done (saith he) to the life already. When she demanded where ; even under your maske (quoth

38 MERRY TALES.

the gentleman), for I am confident Madam, all the Limners in Towne, with their best skill, cannot pro- duce you, So lively Painted againe.

One beggd for a foole.

A FOOLISH young Gentleman, son to a wise and well-reputed Knight, after his fathers decease, was begg'd for a foole, and summoned to the Court of Ward8 for his answer. When question was made to him, what hee could say for himselfe, why his Lands should not be taken from him, hee answered. Why may not I a foole, beget a wise man to inherit after me, as well as my Father being a ivise man, begot me a foole ? His answere carried it, and the demeanes were confirmed to him and his heires, who are pos- sessed of them unto this day.

0/ Bishop Bo7tner.

TT THEN Henry the eight dispatched Bishop ^ ^ Bonner as Embassadour to Francis the first, King of France ; being at that time greatly incensed, he uttered many harsh words against the French King ; and in these, and no other, I charge thee (saith he) deliver thine Embassie: but the Bishop made

COURT JESTS. 39

answere, Sir if I shall salute him in such grosse and dispightfull termes, and in his own Court too, forget- ting the title of an Embassadour, he can doe no lesse than take oflF my head. Thy head? (replyed the King) if he shall dare to oflFer it, twenty thousand of his subjects heads shall answer for that of thine. T, but, sayes the Bishop, by your Majesties favour, / am doubtfull whether any of all those heads can fit my shoulderSf so well as that I have on. At which words the King somewhat pacified, gave him leave to deliver his message, in what language he thought best.

An Office in Reversion.

A GREAT man in this Kingdome, of a temperate, ^^^- and spare dyet, and accustomed to take much physicke, had the reversion of another mans ojffice who was exceeding fat, and corpulent, and loved to drinke deepe, and to feede high : to whom when he was in- vited to dinner, finding his stomack sickely and weake, he forebore to eate at all : which the other observing, Sir, saith he, you take too much of the Apothecaries physicke, and too little of the kitchens ; and I f eare though you are my Executor for my place, yet I may out-live you. The other taking up a pure Venice glasse, that then stood before him, returned this answere; I question that Sir, /or this brittle glasse

f^m^mmmm^^mKmmmm^mmm'mmmmmmmammmmmmmmmmmmftmmmmm^^

40 MERRY TALES.

which you see, being well and carefully kept, may last as long, as your great brasse Kettle.

Of taking the wall.

A CONTEMPLATIVE SchoUar walking in the -^^- streete, and studdying as he went, ere he was aware, ranne upon a Courtier, and halfe jostled him from the wall. The Gallant was somewhat oflFended at it, and roughly thrust him by, saying, I doe not use to give every coxcombe the wall : the Schollar looking up in his face, answered, but I doe sir, and so passed on.

On Curtailing names.

A GENTLEMAN in this Towne, conversant with ;

Gallants of great rancke, used to curtaile their names, calling them onely Jache, Diche, Tom, &c. \

till on a time, being reprooved for his too much familiaritie, he replyed it is my humour, and I vow with all, if the King should call me Jacke, I would call him Charles by the Grace of God,

I

A lovely Mistresse.

F (saith a Travellour) I might have and enjoy a Mistresse composed to my wish ; I would have

COURT JESTS. 41

her from the waste dowaward all Dutch, then from the middle to the Necke, I would have her all French, and on those French shoulders I would have set an English face.

Qiieene Elizabeth entertained.

QUEENE Elizabeth in her Progresse was enter- tained by a Knight into a very faire manner house, which hee had lately built from the ground ; where being bountifully feasted, the Queene began to commend the scituation of the place, as the stateli- nesse of the Edifice : onely saith she (and called him by his name) me thinkes the stayres are somewhat too narrow, and straight for so faire a building. To whom he answered. Gracious Madam, let the errour be excused, for when I first drew this Modell, and layd the foundation, / never hoped that so great a guest as your Majestie, should have done nie the grace, to be thus mounted upon them.

Of a Nobleman and a Pkysitian.

A N Outlandish Physitian presented his service to -^^^ a great man, and told him he could cure all maladies whatsoever : to whom he jestingly replyed : 4

42 MERRY TALES.

Indeed I use not to entertaine any Physitian, before he can bring testimonie that he hath killed thirty at least : the Artist, when he had paused a while, at last made answere, now I recollect my selfe, I thinke I come not far short of that number ; for on my con- science r have beene the death of nine and twenty already. Then trust me (saith the Nobleman) you shall not be my Doctor at this present, because / am loath to make up the number of thirty.

Of the Emperour Frederick and

a

'^ I ^HE Emperour keeping a great Court at Nor- -*- iwherg, where at that time, was a meeting of most of the Germaine Princes: a bold beggar intrud- ing into the Hall, desiring to bee admitted unto the presence of Ccesar, because he was his brother. But being often repulsed, notwithstanding his importunitie, ' it came at length to the Emperours eare, who some- thing moved with the Noveltie, caused him to be brought before him; and demanded which way he came to be his brother, the beggar undaunted made answere, that all mortall men were brothers, from our first Father Adam; and therefore as a brother he beseeched him, to bestow something on him, to the releefe of his necessitie. The Emperour somewhat

COURT JESTS. 43

offended with his saucinesse commanded a small peece of silver to be given him, to the valew of a penny ; on which the beggar looking, sayd aloud, oh invincible Gcesar, it becomes not thee, to give so small a gift (being so rich) to a brother so poore. Yes, (replyes the Emperour) Fare thee well : for if all thy brothers will give thee but so much as I have done, thou wilt in short time be richer than my selfe.

On Gray Hayres.

/^!NE being asked, why his head was all gray, but ^^ not one white haire on his beard, answered, it is no wonder : for the haire of my head, is older than that of my beard, by twenty yeares.

Of a Gentle77ian that played with

false Dice.

A GENTLEMAN at an Ordinary, having won all the money that could be made, when he had swept the last stakes into his hat, bad them good night, and presently wejit downe stayres. In the meane while every one stood bewayling his misfor- tune. At length they sent him, that waited on the boxe, after the Gentleman, to demand something of

44 MERRY TALES.

him for candles and dice : the Boxkeeper over-tooke him in the streete, and entreated him to the same purpose; but he made answere he would not part with a pennie, as for the candles (saith he) wee could not see to play without 'em, and for the dice, commend me to the Gentlemen, and tell them, / played with Tnine owne.

Of a Papist to be converted.

A GRAVE Divine attempting to convert a Gentle- -^^- man, (who after his travailes returned home a Roman Catholicke) used many perswasions to him. But the Gentleman stood still, as if his minde were busied about some other matter. Why (saith the Doctor) for ought I see, my words goe in at one eare, and out at the other. Nay sir freplyed the Papist) f eare it not ; for it is impossible that should get out, which never came in.

«

0;« t/ie degrees of Age.

T T EE that at twenty yeares old is not wel ^ -*■ favoured ; at thirty strong, at forty wise, and at fifty rich : let him never hope in this life, to attaine unto beauty, strength, wisedome, or wealth.

COURT JESTS. 45

The King of Swedens Goose.

*^ I ^HE King of Sweden sitting downe with a very -^ small company, before a Towne of his enemies ; they to slight his force, hung out a Goose for him to shoote at, but perceiving before night, that these few souldiers had invaded, and set their chiefe holds on fire, they demanded of him, what his intent was : he made answere. To roast your goose.

On a Country Atturney.

A COUNTRY Atturney soliciting his Clients Cause before the Judges, and being in a gaudie habite, not sutable to his profession, was demanded by one of them who he was ; he answered, he was an Atturney sworne in that Court. The Judge moreover asked him his name. My name, sayd he, if it please your Lordship is JRapier (as it was indeed e). Rapier? replyed the Judge, then Rapier, sayd he, I charge you against the next time that you appeare before me, to provide yourself e a blacke scabbard, or else I shall goe neere to scowre you.

^^mame99^aK^Kmammmmmmmmmmmmtemmmmmmsmmmmmm'^mmm''fm''mm

46 MERRY TALES.

On Rosa,

73 OSA is faire hut not a -Lv Proper woman: Can any woTnan proper be, that* 8 comr)ion?

A Gentleman to his Mistresse.

TT rHEN^?'^^ / saw thee,

' ^ Thou didst sweetely play. The gentle theefe, and stol'st

My heart away. Give me't againe, or else Send backe thine owne : For two's too much for thee. Since I have none. But if thou wilt not, I ^Hll say thou art A sweet faire Creature, with a double heart

Who the surest Friend.

/^^NE sayd, that a Louse was the surest friend: ^-^ for in adversitie, when all others fall off, shee stiches the fastest

COURT JESTS. 47

A Wittie put off.

/^^NE being convented before the Governours of ^^ the place where he lived, for getting his Laun- dresse with childe ; they sayd, they wondered that a man of his place and gravitie, would so much over- shoote himselfe. Why should you wonder at that (said he). It had indeed beene a wonder, if she had gotten me with childe, and so put off the matter with a jest.

A Noble and Wise saying.

A CERTAINE King, that loved learning, seeing -^^- a famous Library ; when he had a while, with silent admiration, contemplated the place, and the happy content of a studious schoUar-like life ; at his departure he broke out into this notable speech : If I were not a King, I would be an Academian ; and if so be, I were prisoner, and might have my wish, I would desire to have no other Prison than that Library, and to be chaiTied together with my felloiv writers.

48 MERRY TALES.

The Transposition of Letters.

A MELANCHOLY Gentleman sitting one day at -^^^ Table, started up on a suddaine, and meaning to say, I must goe buy a dagger, by transposing of the letters, sayd, 1 Tmist goe dye a Beggar.

An Answer wise a^id witty.

A GRAVE, wise, and learned Lord Chancellour of -^^^ this Kingdome, was pressed to pledge a health to the Eling of England^ which my Lord refused. It being made knowne to the King, when his Lordship came next in his Majesties presence, the King said unto him : what grudge (my Lord) betwixt you and I, that you refused to pledge my health: my Lord answered : / will pray for your Majesties health and will drinJce for my owne health.

A nother.

A TAVERNE-RECKNING was delivered to the -^^- same Lord Chancellour, instead of a Petition : his Lordship perceiving the mistake, said, The reck- Thing being dischargedy I see no reason of com/plaint.

COURT JESTS. 49

A Nobleman s Stezuard.

A NOBLEMAN'S Steward had invited some -^^ friends to dinner, and meeting with the Cooke, said unto him, Mr. Cooke, let mee have the best dish of meate that is drest to day, For / am Jache pay for all. The Nobleman over-hearing him, said, and when Master Steward is served (Mr. Cooke) I pray let me have the next best dish, for / am Jache pay for all.

Of a Lawyer and his lay lour.

A TAYLOUR having made a grave Lawyer a -^^- suite of cloathes, sent one of his Prentices with his Bill, just in the beginning of the Tearme, when he was very busie, looking over his writings; who bid the boy not to trouble him then, for he had not leasure to looke it over; and tell thy Master (saith he) I am not running away. With which answer the boy returned, and came backe againe some halfe an houre after; entreating him, that he would peruse his Bill, and send his Master the money due to him. The Lawyer having not yet ended his business, was somewhat angry, to be so interrupted, said to tlie Lad, why, didst thou tell thy Master, as I bid thee, I was not running away ? I did indeed Sir (saith the Boy) and he bid me tell you again. That though you were not running away, yet he was.

50 MERRY TALES.

A pretty conceit to make up rime.

^ I ^HE third of November Vandone scap'd the

■*- water, The fourth of November the Queene had a Daughter, The fifth of November we scap'd a great slaughter, And the sixth of November was next day after.

Of a yudge to a Client.

A N importunate Client, all the Barre fearing (it -^■^ seemes) that the cause would goe against him, was very clamorous in Court, to have a longer day ; (it being at that time about the middle of June). Well fellow (saith the Judge) thou shalt have thy desire. Thy day of hearing shall be upon Saint Barnabyes dayes next, and that is the longest day in the yeare.

Arche over-reacH d.

OUR Patron Arche, the Kings Jester, having before fool'd many, was at last well met withall: For comming to a Nobleman to give him good morrow upon Newyeares day, he received a very gracious reward from him : twenty good peeces

COURT JESTS. 51

of gold in his hand. But the covetous foole expect- ing (it seemes) a greater ; shooke them in his fist, and said they were too light. The Nobleman tooke it ill from him, but dissembling his anger, he said, I prethee Arche, let mee see them againe, for amongst them there is one piece, I would be loath to part with. Arche supposing hee would have added more unto them, delivered them backe to my Lord, who putting 'em up in his pocked, said, well, I once gave Tnoney into a fooles hand, who had n^t the wit to Jceepe it.

An Englishman and a French man courting a Lady.

A N English man and a French man going to visite -^-^ a hansome Lady, the French man much taken with her feature, at first sight, stept forward before the other, and kiss'd her: at which the English Gentleman, greatly incensed, as being of his ac- quaintance, told him, such manners savoured of the French impudence, and misbecame him here. But he thinking to excuse himselfe, and not well acquainted with our English phrase, repli'd, no harme done, good Mounsieur ; for now I have hist her before, yow have good leave to hisse her behinde. Meaning after.

62 MERRY TALES.

A witty answer from a Court Lady.

m

A GREAT Lady in Court, having a pretty Dog, -^^- when it dy*d, shee wept for it. A great man in Court, who had buried two wives, amongst others came to comfort her : but instead of that, blamed her childish, and womanish folly, to mourne for a scurvy Puppy. My Lady replied, I beseech you, of all others, not to blame mee, that (as I understand) did not 80 much for both your dead wives, as I have done for this poore Puppy.

A Censure in the Chancery.

T N a Case of Land, which was brought into the •^ Chanceryy the Counsell being fee'de on both sides as the phrase of the Court is, one of the parties said, my good Lord, we lye on this side ; said the Counsell of the other party, and my good Lord, wee lye on this side : to whom my Lord returned answer, which of you then shall I beleeve, when by your owne confession, you lye on both sides ?

COURT JESTS. 53

A Country Gentlewoman going through one of the Inns of Court.

A COUNTRY Qentlewoman being upon some ■^*- urgent occasion drawn up to the Terme, it was her chance to passe through one of the Inns of Court, immediately after dinner, where the Court was full of Gentlemen, walking up and downe, in their Gownes and Cappes : the Country Gentlewoman wondring who they might be in such formality, demanded of one: of what condition and qualitie they were ; who told her, they were Students of the Law. What are these practising (said she) to be such as we commonly call Lawyers? Answer was made that they were so. At length the good Gentlewoman, fetching a great sigh, said, Now alas poore City ! how art thou like to be pestered, for we have but one Lawyer in our Shire, and hee troubles the whole Country,

Of a Bishop to his Servingman.

A CERTAINE Bishop sitting one night at supper -^~^ by himselfe, talked pleasantly with his men that waited on him, and ask'd one of them why hee grew so fat, he made answer, he was not so fat as

54 MERRY TALES.

most men thought him. No Totti (replies the Bishop) thovb art fatuus in facie, & Leno in coiyore, Indeede Sir {sayes Tom) they that know me will say no lesse of me.

An A nswer touching Marriage.

A LADY observing a Gentleman that was a -^^- Batchelour, much given to Melancholy, merrily said unto him, truely Sir, I am of opinion, that you will never be truely merry, till you be married: to whom he answered, Introth Madam, and I am of opinion, / ^liall never laugh till my heart ake till then,

A long Bill.

A TAYLOUR bringing a Bill of extraordinary -^^- length, to a Gentleman, and altogether de- spairing of present paiment, because the party was preparing for travell : the Gentleman demands what hee will bate him of the maine Bill, and he will pay him downe the rest in ready money. Ready Cash ! (quoth the Taylour) being extasi'de with the very thought ; I will bate you (saith he) a full yard, Citie measure, and that's a handful more : take it off in the middle, the top, or the hotome; any of these three, chuse you which.

COURT JESTS. 55

An English man in' France.

A N EnglisU gentleman being in France, and hav- -^^^^ ing exercised himselfe in a Dancing Schoole, had put off his Pumps, and wiping himself with a drie towell, was ready to be gone; when on the sudden enters a French Mounsieur, and entreated him to put on his pumps agen, that hee might see him practise : the other excused it, by reason of his wearinesse, and that by too much heating his body, he might endanger a surfeit : but the Mounsieur grew from entreaty to importunity, from importunity to threats ; and withall seeing his sword lye a distance from him, drawes it and sweares, that if hee will not presently satisfie him in his request he will run him through. The English man seeing at what advantage hee had him, yeelds to the present necessitie, dances out his Galliard, and gives him as much content, as he can desire: but having ended, made himselfe ready and recovered his sword ; c6ming close to the Moun- sieur, hee tells him, that if hee be a Gentleman, he must satisfie him for this affront, and either acknow- ledge that he had done him a manifest wrong, or decide the difference by the sword : the other seeing how near it toucht his reputation, told him he would give him meeting to his desire. The place and houre was appointed, their weapons agreed upon, and their

56 MERRY TALES.

length taken. The morning came, and singly without second they met; when presently the Engli8h7}ian drawing a case of Pistols, bids the Mounsieur dance, I, and to what tune he would, either sing or whistle : the other taxes him of dishonourable advantage ; but hee is obstinate, and sweares he will shoote him, if he will not dance. Then the French man perceiving no raeanes to avoide it, layes downe his Armes, and footes it with all the curiositie he can : which done, the English man tells him, now they are upon equall tearmes, gives him leave to rest and breath, and having made himselfe sport sufficiently, fought with him, and had the better of the Duell.

A demure Lady.

A CERTAINE Knight had invited much good -^^^ company to dinner, and amongst the rest, there was a Lady that sate very demurely, and eate no- thing, which the hearty old Knight observing, he cheerefully wish'd her to fall to. I thanke you sir (quoth she) but insooth my stomack's gone; / eate the whole pestile of a Larke to Breakfast this morn- ing. Marry, and like enough (replied the Knight) for there lyes the feathers on your rufe. Now there lay a small peece of Cabbage leafe upon her ruffe,

COURT JESTS. 57

which, with her Ladiships blushing besides, bewray'd the good Madam to have beene eating wholsome beefe, and Cabbage.

Of Travelling.

A QUESTION being asked what creature were -^ ^ the greatest travellours next unto men : one answered a dogge, one a horse, and some one beast, some another ; but when every one had delivered his opinion, saith he that proposed it, I hold the greatest travellours of any creature next unto a man, is ^lat which he breedes, and sticks neerest unto him ; I meane that small beast called a Louse.

lVo7nen Writers.

A QUESTION being asked, why women, either -^^- all, or the most part, when they learne to write, practise Eomane hand; it was answered him againe, that it stood with great reason, for he had never heard of any woman that made good Secretary. 6

68 MERRY TALES.

A Silly Question.

'TPWO Gentlemen lying together, saith the one to -*- the other, prethee Franke, let us rise early to morrow, because it is Holy - day. Holy - day, answered he ? What Holy Day ? The other replied, it is the day of our blessed Lady. What saith he. Is it the day of her Gircuumcision.

A Wise Answer.

A GRAVE and wise man was reprehended by his -^^^ friend for dancing with young folkes at night, and told him how ill it became a man of his wisedome and dignitie. But he made answer, that he which is wise in the day may dote a little at night Semel in Anno, ridet Apollo.

A Taunt to a Lawyer.

A CERTAINE Lawyer, that was a very bigge and -^^^ corpulent man, pleading against a Gentleman, a neighbour of his, used him with uncivill tearmes. Well, said the Gentleman, I thought by reason of neighbourhood, you would give me better respect;

COURT JESTS. 59

but it is no matter. Non omnes sanctiy qui Galcant limina templi : The greatest Calves, are not alwayes the fattest Veale.

Two friends well met.

T N the time of King Henry the Eight, there was -*- a great difference [between] two eminent Cour- tiers and Officers of State, th2(,t nothing would satisfie either of 'em, but the ruine of the other, although there was great mediation of friends on each part: To be briefe, so far the one prevailed, that he pro- cured his adversary to be committed to the Tower : where after hee had remained some dayes, the other also fell into the Kings disfavour, and likewise (being one of the white staves) was committed to the same Prison : which when his adversary saw, smiling, he said. He was glad to see him walJce without a staffe.

Campe Jests.

Lib. I. Part II.

A Casheird Captaine.

A CAPTAINE in the Low Countries being cash- -^^^ eir'd, and his Company conferred on another, he grew more private and melancolly than usually; and not long after being met by the others Leive- tenant, was kindly saluted. Many Complements past, the Leivetenant demanded of him, why he was so strange of late, to absent himselfe so long from his Captaine, who much desired to see him. He answered, I pray you commend me to your Captaine, and tell him, hee had my company too late.

A wager of Eating.

A N Engliah Captaine, and a Dutch Captaine, both -^^ stout Trencher men, laid a wager, which of them at one set meale could eate most. Earnest was

CAMP JESTS. 61

given ; and they east lots which of them should be- speake their provant : It fell to the Dutchman^ who presently went downe into the Kitdien, and iDespake of the Hostesse of the Ordinary a fat Capon, and a dozen of Larkes, and so came up agaioe to his com- pany. Presently the English Captaine went downe, to enquire what he had spoke for, the Hostesse told him, a Capon, and a dozen of Larkes. How ? saith he. I say Hostesse, send into the Market, and buy for me a dozen of Capons, and one Larke. The Dutch man overhearing him, and supposing by his words, his stomacke to be mightier, than indeede it was, presently came to composition, and recanted his bargaine.

Two old Captaines.

^T^WO ancient Captaines looking on the rich hang- -■- ings of Eightie eight ; Observing in the border thereof, the faces of all the prime Commanders, and gentlemen of note, that had beene in the service. Well, saith the one to the other, if every man had his right, my face might have had the honour to have beene placed here, before some that I see : for I am sure, I was engaged in the hottest incounter. The other replyed, content thy selfe Captaine; tis well knowne, thou art an old Souldier, and reserved for another hanging.

62 MERRY TALES.

Of Grave Matirice and Marqttesse

Spinola.

T T is reported of Marquesse Spinola^ that when he -*- came first with an army into the Low-Countries, hee sent word to Grave Maurice, hee was now come somewhat nearer him, and purposed to sit as close unto him, as his Cassocke to his backer to whom Grave Maurice retum'd this answer; that hee had often knowne when a Souldier had tooke a Merchants cloake from his shoulders, but that a Merchant should plucke off a Souldiers Cassocke, hee had seldome heard, or never.

0/ a Captaine to be arrested.

/^^NE Captain Leonard SaTtvpson, well knowne ^•^ about this towne, being indepted, was way- layd by his creditours, who had feed Sergeants to arrest him ; the Sergeants spying him in cheapeside, were stealing behind him to clap him on the shoulders unawares: which a Gentleman a friend of his per- ceiving, he cryed out aloude unto him, and sayd, the Philistians bee upon thee Sampson, At which words the Captaine suddenly looking backe, and espying the Catchpoles, drew his sword, and by that meanes escaped from the Arrest.

CAMP JESTS. 63

An old Goose.

TTENRY the fourth, King of France, of late -*- -^ famous memory, being upon a long march, where vietualls at that time, were very scarse, hee grew extreamely a hungred. At last an honest Gentleman brought the legge of a brood Goose Carbonadoed; which the King taking, and tugging with his teeth a long while, ere he could pull it a sunder, Mori die, saith he, this is sure a limbe of that Qoose, which in Camillus his time, by her gab- blivjg saved the Roman Cajpitoll,

Of an English Generall to some

a

of his Oficers.

^^IR, Francis Veire,B, brave and eminent Generall, *^ yet for severity not well spoken of amongst his Souldiers, upon a time disguising himselfe, hee listned to a Tent, where hee heard diverse of his oflScers speake very harshly against him. And when they had ended their discourse, hee discovered himselfe, and sayd, when you next speake ill of me, I would wish you for your owne sakes, to doe it a little farther off.

64 MERRY TALES.

A Marriner in a storme.

T T chanced that a Merchants ship was violently -*- tossed by a storme at Sea, insomuch that all despairing of safety, betooke themselves to prayer, saving one onely Marriner, who was ever wishing to see two starrcv^i. 0 (saith he) that T could see but two starres, or but one of the two ! and of these words he made so often repitition, that disturbing the meditations of the rest, at length one asked him what two starres, or what one starre he meant, to whom he replyed, 0 tliat I could hut see the starre in Gheape-side, or the starre in Coleman streete, I care not whether.

A Salutation betwixt two

Captaines.

^T^WO Souldiers of eminent command, and of con- -■- trary sides, the one an approoved valiant man, the other a knowne Coward, upon a truce made, came to enterview : when the Cowardly Captaine comming to salute the other, sayd, doe you not know me ? the other answered, sir I should better have knowne you, if you had showed me your backe : for that I have seene often, but your face (till now) never.

CAMP JESTS. 65

A desperate Say lor.

A SHIP under Sayle being accidentally set on fire, -^^^ by chance there was in it a desperate Saylor, who seeing the vessell burne under them, that no hope of life appeared to any man but that all must perish betwixt the two Elements of fire and water; hee standing upon the hatches, and is it so (saith he) Nay then, 8ome roasted and some sod: and with that desperately leapt into the Sea.

A drunken Soiddier.

A RIOTOUS drunken Souldier, that had lost the -^^^ sheath of his dagger, carryed it naked in his hand : and being demanded by one that knew him, why he bore a drawne weapon so dangerously about with him ? he made answere, it was to stab him that was di^nke before him.

An Abhominable truth.

" I ^WO having met the field in a frosty morning, it *■ hapned that one of them with an unluckey backe blow strucke the others head cleane from his shoulders. Which done, fearing the severity of the Law, enacted against duells, and his wit (as it is then

66 MERRY TALES.

for the most part sharpest) steading him in his necessity, he clapt the head fresh bleeding on to the necke againe ; holding it close, till the cold ayre had setled, and knit it fast as before. After this, he had him straightway to the next Taverne, there with a good fire and wine to comfort him. But the wounded party, when he had sate awhile, (the heate having expeld the Frost, and dissolved the congealed blood) thinking to blow his nose and throw away the filth, He flung his own head into the fire: which as I heard, could never be set right since.

0/ a Welch-man that challenged

the field.

A WELCH-MAN in heate of blood, challenged an -^^ Englishman the field ; and because he thought that was the safest, he would fight at no weapon but sword and buckler. Well, the field was appointed, the parties met, both readily provided : when the Englishman standing close upon his guard and watch- ing his opportunity, strook the other a good blow below the knee. The welch-man feeling it smart, and seeing the blood runne downe, threw his weapons away; and swearing and staring, sploot (quoth he) was not her buckler broad enough, but her must hit her upon the legge ?

CAMP JESTS. 67

A sharpe Sword.

/^^NE commended the goodnesse of his blade: for ^^ (sayeth he) going to cut a hard barly loafe; for want of a knife, I made use of my sword (a thing not unusuall with us Souldiers in warre) and summon- ing all my strength together ere I could be aware, / diced through the loafe, my selfe, and two behind me. As sure as I live (quoth he) quite through my selfe, and two men behinde me.

A pretty way to reconcile enemies.

T^WO Captaines fallen out, that breathed nothing -*- but death and destruction one to the other, were by the mediation of some friends, brought to milder termes, and perswaded to referee the businesse, to bee decided by a grave understanding Gentleman, well knowne to them all. When they had condes- cended to this, and the Gentleman accordingly had undertaken to determine the matter; he brought them privately into a roome, making them sweare there devoutly, that since they had referred them- selves to him, they would stand to his award. Which done, this (saith he) is my sentence, that you stirre n^i hence, till yow are reconciled^ and with that he left

68 MERRY TALES.

'em. The Captaines finding themselves bound by oath, and not willing to stay there prisoners long, because pressed by urgent occasions, presently came to composition, and departed friends.

Two Ancie7tt Companions.

nr^WO old Soldiers and companions, that had served -^ in the Low Countries twenty odde yeares to- gether; in the last German warre, tooke pay under the King of Sweden : and whilst his Majestic lay with his Army before Frankfordy it chanced as they two, with some others, were tipling, just as one of them, was heaving up a great Bombard of beere, to fill his cup, it chanced I say, that a bullet from the besieged wall strooke the Jacke out of his hande, and with it halfe his head off. The other his ancient Familiar, and acquaintance seeing it ; Zounds (saith he, swearing like a mad man) the drink's all spilt

A Stolne pigge.

A POORE Garrison Souldier, rambling one day -^^- abroad, to pillage the Country, without license from his Captaine, could light on nothing but a Pig, which he brought home, and nob carrying it over

CAMP JESTS. 69

closely, was apprehended by the Officers, and after examination by a Martiall Law adjudged to be hang'd. Which sentence was presently to be executed, the man was brought to the Gallowes, and the rope about his necke : but by some intercession made to his Captaine for him (the fact not being great) a pardon was granted and he acquitted. Who when he came downe, his comrades flocking about him, ask'd him how he lik'd his Pig ? Marry, a poxe take the Pigge, and a Plague to (quoth he) the Petty-toes had almost choak'd me,

A Little Sword.

A CERTAINE C5mander espying one of his Com- -^^- pany with a little sword called him to him, and asked him why he wore no better weapon : for (saith he) thy enemie Juglar-like, wil swallow such a knife as this is. Sir, replyed the Souldier, if I misse not my aime, / shxiU Trvahe it enter his stoTnache the wrong way.

Of a marry ed man who had but

one eye.

A MAN with one eye, thinking hee had married a Virgin, and finding that she had before beene visited, grew into very bitter language, up-

70 MERRY TALES.

braiding her of inchastity, saying, she came not unto him, (as he expected) sound and perfect. The woman made answere^ why shouldst thou look, that I should come so unto thee, that art thy selfe neither sound, nor perfect, being halfe blinde, as wanting one of thine eyes. I but woman (saith he) this hurt which I have, I received from mine enemie. She answered him againe; why, and know thou man, that this flaw which I have got, I received from my friend.

Of a Gentleman - Usher to fight

a Duell.

A GENTLEMAN - Usher, questionlesse redoubted -^•^ and valiant, as by the Sequell will appeare, fell at varience with another Gentleman, Retainer to his Lady; insomuch that they challenged the field, and appointed the place, and time of meeting, which was to be the morrow morning. But this Spruce Usher, loathe (as it seemes) to doe any thing without warrant, went very wisely over night to his Lady, to desire her leave, to revenge himself e on his enemie ; which (saith he) has abused me, and that with your Ladiships consent, I shall soon£ prove on his dearest life. The good young Lady halfe frighted with his valiant language, would much lesse suffer blowes : but calling them together, she charged them on paine of her utter

CAMP JESTS. 71

displeasure, from thence forward to live peaceably, and as good friends should.

A resolute speech of one co7itemned for his low parentage.

A MAN of obscure birth, attaining to a place of -^ •^ great Command, had power over many of better descent than himselfe ; who murmured that so meane a Personage should bee preferred before them. Where- upon, perceiving how they repined at his advance- ment, he sayd unto them; Gentlemen question not my birth, nor who my Father was. / am ilie Sonne of mine ovme desert, and mine owne fortune : and any man with my good leave, and liking, shall weare my digni- ties, if by his better demerits he can win them from me.

A Souldier-like Answere.

A FELLOW maym'd and lame, made suite to a -^■^ Captaine, that he might be entertained, and serve under him. The Captaine seeing his in- firmitie, sayd, what should I doe with such as thee in my Regiment, thou art lame and impotent ? O but sir (quoth the man) if you will please to consider, tlie vertue of a Souldier consists in standing to his tackle, and not in making use of his legges to runne aivay.

72 MERRY TALES.

A Desperate Lyer.

A YOUNG drunken rascall, that had beene in the ^ ^ late German wars, at his returne backe, boasted of what repute he was, and how highly honoured in the Imperiall Court. For (saith he) the Polonian King, a confederate of the Emperours, being resident at Vienna with him ; it chanced that one day after dinner, they sent for me ; where in a private retiring roome, we were very merry, and tippled freely. But after many healths and carouses gone round, the Emperour seeing me hold out stifly, and willing to overthrow mee, he plyed me so long with full cups, till at last quite over-gorged with wine, 1 spevfd in the King of Polands Cod-peice,

An old Song on the Spanish Armado in '88.

O OME year% of late, in eighty eight *^ As I doe well remember ; It was some say, nineteenth of May, But some say in September, But some say in September.

CAMP JESTS. 73

The Spanish traine lanch'd forth amaine.

With many a fine Brevado, Their y as they thoughty hid it proov'd not,

Inmndhle Armado,

Invincible <Scc,

There was a little man, that dwelt in Spain

Who shot well in a Oun-a, Don Pedro hight, as blacke a wight,

As the Knight of the Sunn-a,

As the <kc.

King Philip made him Admirall,

And bid him not to stay-a, But to destroy both man and boy,

And so to come his way-a,

And so <kc.

Their Navie was well victualled

With bisket, Pease, and Bacon : They brought 2 ships fvtX fraught with whips.

But I thinke they were mistaken.

But I <Skc,

Their men was young, munition strong,

And to doe us more harm-a. They thought it m£ete tojoyne their fleete.

All with the Prince 0/ Parma's,

All with <Scc.

6

74 MERRY TALES.

They coasted round about our land,

And 80 came in by Dover : But we had men, soone set on them, And threw the rascals over,

And threw Sc.

The Queene was then at Tilsbury, What could we more desire-a ?

And sir Francis Drake, for her sweete sake, Did set them aU onfire-a, Did set &c.

When straight they fled by sea and land, So that one man kilVd threescore-a.

And but tJtat they all ran away, 0* my Soule he had kilVd more-a, 0' my Soule <Ssc,

Then let them neither brag nor boast, But if they come agen-a.

Let 'em, take heede they doe not speede, As they did they know when-a. As they did they know when-a.

To the Reader.

^T TEE aJiould wrong Gustome, not to bring our

^ ^ guests The second course, to furnish out the feast. Men's pallats being nice, our wits must striv To coohe vai'ietieSy such as Tnay give A relish to their fancies : wherefore now After Court, Campe, and other Jests I trow A Colledge commons will not doe a mis^e Amongst the rest; nx)r a good Popish dish, Fetcht fro the Cloysters, and to end the cheere You Tnust expect some Country viands here. If thou canst like, fall too, but if thou hast (Reader) a squemish appitite; nor tast I charge thee, nor come nigh : sick stomachs al Concoct the choisest dainties into gall, •

In sJiort, here is the off-spring of a braine That n£ver laboured yet, but with these twain If thou affects the first borne, on : this other Though not twin-bom, is equal to his brother, And who so marks, shot find he will not faile Jest for his Jeere, Taunt ready for his Tale,

CoLLEDGE Jests.

Lib. I. Part III.

A Tutor and his Scholler.

A YOUNG lad of a Colledge in Oxford, when he •'^^- should have been in the publicke Halle at disputations, a little before the time, fell a sleepe, and by that meanes failed of comming downe. His Tutor being then Moderator, missed him, and after exercise was done, went up to his study; where finding him asleep, he waked him, chid him for sleep- ing at that time of day, and angrily askt him why he was not at disputations. The youth after a little yawning and stretching, replyed, Truly sir, / did not dreame of it

The Principall of an house,

A PLEASANT fellow came to the Principall of a ^■^ House, and pretending that he had received wrong by some of the society, complained unto him

COLLEGE JESTS. 77

ia this manner : Sir, sayd he, I have beene abused by a company of Rascalls, belonging to this house, and knowing you to be the Principally I thought good to acquaint you, &c.

0/ a Doctors 7nan.

A N old Doctor lying on his death-bed, and willing -^^- to doe an antient servant of his what good hee could; he wished him to professe Physicke, and he would leave him certaine prescriptions, both to benefit his knowledge and estate. Amongst others, this was the maine, that when he came to visite any Patient, hee should observe curiously what bones he saw scattered about the roome ; if he found any of Fish, then he should tell him, he took a surfeit of such a kinde of fish as he might guesse it by the bones, and so likewise of Beefe, Veale, Mutton, Capon, Eabbet, &c. and to judge by the fragments, and reversions, which were more certaine, than to presume upon the disease by the sicke man's appearance, wherein he knew he was altogether unpractised, and unskilfull. In processe of time, so it fell out, that being sent for by one that was sicke of an impostume, and the roome so cleane swept, that he could finde no apparant signe in the floore, by which he might conjecture of any certaine disease ; at length prying very curi-

78 MERRY TALES.

ously, under his bed hee spide a saddle. Whereupon hee came to the sicke party, and seriously told him, that he had now search t into the nature of the disease ; for by feeling of his pulse he might well perceive, that he had taken a great surfeit, hy eating of a horse : at which the Patient fell into such an extreame laughter, that his Impostume breaking, he was suddenly cured, and the fellow thereby grew more famous.

0/ Peter Martyr.

/^^NE Feter Martyr a great Scholler, and very ^-^ famous in his time, had beene a long suiter for a Bishopricke, but was still crost in his suite: At last foure Fryers Confessours were preferred to- gether to four vacant Seas, and he not remembered. Which hee hearing of, said, Methinks amongst so many Confessours, one Martyr would not have done amisse,

A Young Master of A rts.

A YOUNG Master of Arts, the very next day after -^^- the Commencement, having his course to a common place in the Chappell, where were divers that but the day before had taken their degree.

COLLEGE JESTS. 79

chose his Text out of the eight Chapter of Job; the words were these, We are hut of yesterday ^ and know nothing. This text, saith he, doth fitly divide it selfe into two Branches ; our Standing and our Un- derstanding : our Standing, in these words. Wee are but of Yesterday : our Understanding, We know nothing.

Two Schollers.

nr^WO Schollers of the same CoUedge, the one -^ called Paine, the other Culpepper, were both in fault, but Paine in the lesse. At last when the offence came to be censured, it was no lesse than expulsion from the CoUedge. But Culpepper, though the greater delinquent, finding more friends, had his sentence taken off, and liberty to remaine still in the house ; but the other suffered for example. A little after, a Master of Arts of another house comming to visite a friend of his, that was of the CoUedge where this was done; amongst other discourse askt what became of the businesse betwixt the two Schollers ; hee told him in brief e, how Paine that was in the least fault was punish'd, and Culpepper in the greater par- doned: whereupon he instantly replied. Nay, then I think Ovid did Prophesie of this, when he said, Poena perire potest, culpa perrenis erit

80 MERRY TALES.

Of a Scholler married.

ASCHOLLER that had married a young wife, and was still at his Booke, preferring his serious study before dalliance with her. At length, as shee was one day wantoning whilst he was reading ; Sir, saith shee, I could wish that I had beene made a Booke, for then you would still be poring upon me, and I should never, night nor day, be out of your fingers. So would I (Sweet-heart) answered he, so I might chuse what booke. When she demanded of him what booke he would wish her to be : Marry good wife (saith he) an Almanacke, for so I might have every year a new one.

An Epitaph.

A GENTLEMAN having lost a dear friend of his, -^^- and willing to bestow some monument upon him after his death, comes to a Scholler, desiring him to make him an Epitaph for that purpose ; he told him with all his heart, demanding what speciall vertues his friend had when he lived, for which he might commend him to posteritie. The Gentleman answered, he never took notice of any particular vertues. He asked him then, what noted vices he was

COLLEGE JESTS. 81

guiltie of? He told him againe, not any that he knew, but that he was a good morall man, and more hee could not speak for him. The third question was, how old hee was when he departed his life : the Gentleman answered, he was just sixtie years of age. Whereupon the Scholler perceiving he was note- able for nothing, writ this Epitaph.

Here lyes a man was borne, and cry'd, Told threescore years; fell sicke and dy'd.

One created Master of Arts.

"^ I ^WO Gentlemen meeting, saith one of 'em, would -*- you believe that such a man being late at Oxford, had the courtesie done him to be made Mas- ter of Arts ? that Dunce ? replied the other : 0 yes without Question.

Of coughing i7i ones Grave.

A MASTER of Arts acting in a Tragedy, his part -^^- was to be slaine upon the stage : which was accordingly personated, and he lay seemingly dead a great while, before the time came that hee should be taken away. At last a passion tooke him, and

82 MERRY TALES.

forced him to cough so loud, that the general audi- tory perceived it. Whereupon many of them fell into a great laughter, but he rising up excused it thus : You may see what it is (Gentlemen) to drinke in ones porridge, for he shall cough in his Grave,

Of the Twelve Signes.

/^^NE being desirous to know what twelve seve- ^^ rail Nations, nearest resemble the twelve moneths having their severall influences from them, was . by one that stood by, in Distichs, thus an- swered.

1. Aquarius hids the Russian at home tarry. And use haths, furres, and fires in January.

2. Piscis in February hids keep warme,

Least haile, raine, snow, may doe the Lapland harnie,

3. March of Mars Savours, Aries the Commander, To him belongs the Warlik Netherlander.

4. Aprill hath correspondence to the French ; And Teiurus- tells that he loves a wench,

5. In Gemini the Italian loves to play ;

And therefore hee is like the w^oneth of May.

6. The moneth of June is governed by the Crab : The Spaniard's hot, but he must have a Drabbe,

COLLEGE JESTS. 83

7. In July the bright Sunn^ in Virgo awayes : The parched Moores are tanned by his rayes.

8. Leo in August reignes : the Indian then, Though naked, may be counted amongst men,

9. The English, the Goate, invites (as I remember ,) To challenge to himself e the moneth of September.

] 0. The Scorpion ripens Harvest in October.

The Germaine claiTnes that moneth, though sel- dome sober.

11. The Austrian, who his sleepe doth never va7*y, November claimes sway'd by the Sagitary.

12. Upon tK Hungarian Aquarius ^powers. Many full potsjiWd by Decembers showers.

A Gentleman and a Parson.

OOME pleasant Gentlemen riding by the High- ^^ way, espyed a Countrey Parson before them. Sayes one of them, yonder is a SchoUer, let us mend our pace, and you shall heare me pose him with a question. They did so, and after a sleight salutation; Master parson, saith he, I pray you can you resolve me what part of speech is Qui mihi decipulus ? Yes sir, I can, replies the Parson; Pue)' es, cupis atque doceri. The words are so familiar, they neede no Interpreter.

84 MERRY TALES.

Of Bishop Gardiner.

T T THEN Bishop Qardintr was deposed by King ^ ^ Edmyard^ and sent to the Tower, a fellow meeting him by the way, in great derision saluted him with a low congee, saying, good morrow. Bishop Olvm. 0 Gramercie Knave Semper, replyed the Bishop, and so they past.

^ Playing with Words.

A DIVINE willing to play more with words than -^^- to be serious in the expounding of his Text, made his wit runne descant in this manner. This Diall, saith he, shewes wee must die all ; yet notwith- standing, all houses are turned into Alehouses; our eares are converted into cates; our Paradice into a pare of Dice; our Marriage to a Merry age; our Matrimony to a matter of money ; It w(i8 not so in the dayes of Noah, ah no, <kc.

A Witty Answer.

A POORE Servitor that waited at the table in a -^^- Colledge Hall, snatched one of his Masters commons from his trencher, and eate it ; for which

COLLEGE JESTS. 85

being complain'd of to the Head of the House, and demanded why he did so; he made answer, Opus & Usus auferevdi casus eodgunt; that being a rule in Grammer.

Of a Translator.

/^NE that had translated many volumes, at length ^^ publishing the History of Suitonius Tran- quillus in English, a pleasant Gentleman writ this Disticke.

Philemon with Translations doth so fill us. He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus.

A Scholler and a Townsman.

A CERTAINE fellow with a Pitchforke in his -^^ hand, was measuring a Townsman and a Scholler, setting them first backe to backe, and then after considering them brow to brow : at length being ask'd which of them was highest ; I finde, saith hee, the Scholler to be higher than the Townsman, hy thus much, pointing to the tines of his prong.

86 MERRY TALES.

A Traveller drowned.

T T THEN a Gentleman heard that a Travellour, a ^ ^ friend of his, was drowned, hee fetcht a great sigh and said, Now God rest his soule, for he is gone the way of all flesh ; Nay, saith another then standing by, if he be drowned, lie is rather gone the way of all Fish.

A Doctors Answer.

A WORTHY Doctor, amongst many other charib- -^^- able deeds, made a faire causey at his owne charge, to the great benefit of the Country: and being there one day in person, and to visite the labourers, it hapned that a Noble man rid that way, and knowing him, gave him a kinde salutation ; but withall, thinking to break a Jest upon him ; Mr. Doctor, saith he, for all your charges and paines, I beleeve not, that this is the high way to heaven. I am of your minde in that (my Lord) replied the Doctor, for if it were, I should have wondered to have met your Lordship here.

COLLEGE JESTS. 87

A Doctor and a Sckoller.

\ N Universitie Doctor, hearing a fellow Commoner -^^- speake louder at dinner than the rest, bad a Servitor that waited goe to him, and tell him Vir sapity qui pauca loquitur; which being delivered him, commend me, saith he, to Mr. Doctor, and tell him againe, Vir loquitur, qui pauca sapit

An Rpigramme.

T TPON one that had an exceeding long nose, and ^-^ great gag'd teeth, standing some distance one from another ; Sir T. More made this Epigram. Si tuu8 in soUtyi statuatur nasus hiante, Ore, bene ostendea dentibua hora quota est Thus Englished.

Gape Against the Sunne, arid by thy teeth and

nose, Tis easie to perceive how the day goes.

A moderate Drinker.

A GENTLE man of a very temperate dyet, sitting -^^- at table where there was great plenty of wine, drunke very sparingly; which being observed by

88 MERRY TALES.

another that sate over against him ; Sir, saith he, if none in the world would drinke more than you, wine would be cheape. Nay rather (replied the other) if all men did drinke as I doe, it would make wine very deare ; for I drinke as much as I can.

A Boyes answer to Queene

Elizabeth.

QUEENE Elizabeth comming to the Free-Schoole, which she had erected in Westminster ; pleas- antly asked a Boy, how often he had been whipt: the Boy answered her with that verse out of Virgil.

Infandum Begina jubes renovere dolorem.

She liking his answer, for it was suddaine, and appo- site, gave him some money, which he receiving, said,

Quia, nisi mentis inops, oblatv/m respuit aurum ?

As the same Poet hath it in another place. The Queene was much taken with his wit, and a little after, as soone as he was capable, tooke occasion to preferre him.

COLLEGE JESTS. 89

Bellarmine confuted.

A MINISTER was very envious against Bellarmine, -^^- and used to buffet him in the Pulpit, still when he found him crosse to his opinion, saying; Ha Bellarmine, Art thou there with thy Beares ? I will be with my Dogs anon, and baite thee. But Tie confute thee in one word, Bellarmine thow lyest ; and sure it is a great pitty, that such a fellow as thou art should have &o Tnuch learning.

Of the Word Ominous.

A GENTLEMAN (no great Clarke you may im- -^^- agine) hearing the word Ominous twice or thrice iterated, demanded of one that sate by, what the true Etimologie and signification of the word was. I will tell you sir, replied the other : An Oxford Scholler, a hard Student, sitting up late one night, his Candle went out, insomuch as he was forced to goe downe in the darke to light it, but by the way, hitting his nose against the post, he cryed out, 0 my nose : and so the word came first in use.

90 MERRY TALES.

An Epitaph on Mr. Kitching.

T T ERE lye;8 in the faire flower of his youth, -*■ ^ Once his friends joy, and now his parents ruth. Since Kitching was his n^me, as I have found, I see Death keepes his Kitching under ground : And the poore Wormes that flesh of late did eate, Devoure their Kitching now for ward of meate. Such was his end, and Reader it must be. As well thy ruine, as the end of me.

Of a. Doctor of Physicke that \ '; lay sicke.

A DOCTOR of Physicke, unmarried, was so -^^- extremely sick of an impostume, that all the CoUedge had given him over. His men seeing how the case stood with their Master, every one began to rifle the Chamber, and lay hands upon what they could spie, not leaving him so much as the cloathes he was wont to weare : which an Ape, he had then, observing, thought hee would do as the rest did, and searching about, could find nothing save his Doctors Cap, which hee put upon his owne head, and in that posture came and sate downe by the bed-side: the

COLLEGE JESTS. 91

sicke man seeing him, fell into so violent a laughter, that his Impostume broke, and he by that meanes was recovered.

Of Women.

/^^NE that in all his discourse inveighed against ^^ women, was therefore sharpely reproved by some Gentlemen. Amongst the rest, one of them askt him, why hee was so virulent against them, whereas many learned men had filled volumes with their praises. I, I, saith hee, those learned men writ what women ought to be, but I tell yoii what they are.

An Epitaph.

/^^ DETJS omnipotens vituli miserere Johannis, ^-^ Quern mora prceveniens non ainit esse bovem. The same Paraphrased.

Heaven of his soule take charge, who o/

His time did live but halfe, Who might have growne to be an Oxe,

But dy'd (you see) a Galfe,

92 MERRY TALES.

A young Scholler s devise.

A YOUNG Academian having runne himselfe into -^^- deepe Arrerages, and knowing his father to be close fisted, could not tell which way to fetch over the old man for money. At last, having cast many projects in his head, and finding that none of them would take, he wrote in conclusion a lamentable letter to his father, to certifie him that he was dead, and earnestly desired him, to send him up money to defray the charges of his buruilL

A Colkdge-Cooke and a youiig

Scholler.

npHE Master Cooke of a CoUedge serving up -■- dinner, gave a Neates tongue to a Scholler to carry to the table : the Scholler not having full hold of it let it fall, so that it was not fit for service ;. whereat the Cook was angry and give him some unseemely language: but the Scholler replyed, I prithee, Cooke, fret not thy selfe, it was but Lapsvb» linguae.

COLLEGE JESTS. 9a

A Physiognomer.

/^NE that was a great Practisioner of Physiog- ^^ nomie, reading late at night, hapned upon a place which sayd hayrie men for. the most part are dull, and a thicke long beard betokened a foole. He tooke downe his looking-glasse in one hand, and held the candle in the other to observe the growth and fashion of his owne ; holding it so long, till at length by accident he fired it : whereupon he wrote on the Margent (as well hee might) Probatum est .

[/pon the burning of a Schoole.

1.

WHAT }ie,a\e of learning kindled your desire, (Te Muses sonnes) to set your house on fire ? What love of learning in your brests did bume. Those sparJces ofvertue into flames to turne ? Or wast some higher cause ? were the hot Oods, Venus and Vulcan (old friends) now at odds ? If that be so, then never let the Bolt Be prais'd for making Armes, or thunderbolt Let Poets pennes paint onely his disgrace His clubby foote, hom'd brow, and sooty face.

94 MERRY TALES.

2.

What ere was cause, sure ill was the event

Which justly all the Muses may lament

But above all (for names sake) Polyphymny

Bewayle the downefall of the learned chimney.

There might you see, where without speech or sence,

Lay the sad ashes of an Accidence.

What number then of Nounes to wrache did goe ?

As Domus, Liber, and a great sort m^e,

A wofull case ! No Case the flame did spare :

Each Gender in this losse had common share.

3.

There might you see the ruefull Declinations, Thefifteene Pronouns, andfoure Conjugations. Some Gerunds Di, and Do were overcome, TK other with heate and smoake was quite struche

Dum. Supines lay gasping upwards voyde of Sences ; The Moodes grew mad to see imperfect Tenses. Adverbs of place were throwne downe lofty stories, As Ubi, Ibi, ilHc, intus, f oris. Conjunctions so disjoyn'd, as you would wonder No coupling there, but it was burnt asunder.

COLLEGE JESTS. 95

4.

The PraBpositions hnew not where to he : Each Interjection cry'd, hei ! woe is me. For the due joyning of which words againe^ A Neighbour calVd qui mihi come amaine : Else sure the fire had into flames th&m tum*d : Now 'gan thefixi/mes the Heteroclites to (ywmher. And poore Supellex lost his Plurall Number ; Of Verbes there had beene left scarce one in twenty, Had there not come by chance As in praesenti.

Cold Weather.

/^~\NE blowing the fire in Winter time, by chance ^^-^ the snout of the bellowas dropped off, which he finding, sayd, the weather is very cold, for the beUotues nose dropt

Lawyers aTid Souldiers.

IF Lawyers had for tearme, a tearme of warre, Souldiers would be as rich as Lawyers are. But here's the difference betweene gunnies and gownes. These take good angels, tK other take cracht crownes.

96 MERRY TALES.

A Metamorphosis of fooles.

/^^NE sayd Vaine-glorious fooles were turned into ^-^ Asses, gluttonous fooles into Swine, pleasant fooles into Apes, proud fooles into Peaeoekes, and fantastique fooles into Butter-flyes.

Plato s yeare.

'T^WO SchoUers lay so long at an Inne, that they -*- had not only spent all their money, but also runne in dept: wherefore to quit themselves, they told their Host of Platoes great yeare, and how that time sixe and thirty thousand yeares, the world should bee againe as it now was, and they should be in the same Inne and chamber againe; desiring with all that he would trust them till then. I (replyed my Host) I beleeve its true, that you will bee here sixe and thirtie thousand yeares hence, and without money too, just as you now are : therefore (by your leaves) I will see the house discharged, ere I let ycm goe.

COLLEGE JESTS. 97

A Souldier begging of a Scholler.

A SOULDIER begging by chance of a poore Schol- -^^- ler, the Scholler asked him by what authority he went so a begging. Sir, sayd the Souldier, I have a license ; the Scholler replyed againe. Well thxyii Tnayst have licey but aence thou hast none, to beg of a poore Scholler,

A pretty passage.

A T my writing of these same, being by chance in -^^- my study after supper, my candle went out, insomuch that I was faine to call one that waited on me, to light it againe. He came, tooke it with him, and holding by the candle onely (which it seems strucke pretty fast in the sticke) after hee had lighted it, he lost the Candlesticke by the way ; and albeit was a heavie Pewter one, never mist it, till he came to set it downe. I asked him for my Caiidlesticke, hee star'd upon me awhile, and swore he had lost it: But by your good leave sir, sayed he, I will drinke first, (for as I had then a tanckard of some Beere by me) and then He finde it. He did so, I laught heartily at the passage, and presently, whilst it tickled my fancie, inserted it here for a Memno- randum.

98 MERRY TALES.

A Funerall Sermon.

A DIVINE, Preaching a funerall Sermon for one ^^^^ that had lived and dyed badly, sayd to his Neighbours : how he lived you know. How he dyed I know. And where he is God knowes. Thus much by way of Praeface, now to my Text.

Two Schollers and a Miller.

" I ^WO SchoUers merrily disposed, seeing a Miller

-■- ride before 'em on the high way, spurred up

their Haekneyes to overtake him, with a purpose to

Jeere him ; and when they came at him, sayd one of them, God speed (Miller !) whether art thou (if a

man may aske) more foole or knave? the Miller

(riding betwixt both) answered, Truely Gentlemen I

am betweene both.

A conceite of a Woman.

A WOMAN is a booke, and often found, ^^^ To prove far better in the Sheets, than bound No marvaile then, why men take such delight Above all things, to study in the night.

COLLEGE JESTS. 99

A yest upon a Goose.

#

A GENTLEMAN called Mr. Eaton, being a good •'^^- house keeper, and a very pleasant man at Table, upon a time admitted a plaine SchoUer amongst other guests ; who fell close to those dishes that stood before him, without oflFering any discourse at all. The Mas- ter of the house (supposing there was no more in him, than he outwardly made shew of) thought to put a trick upon him ; and when a fat goose was brought to the table, he carved liberally to every one, saving him. At length (as if he before forgot him) he tooke a peece, & offering to lay it before his trencher, sayd. And will you eate any? Goose. Which the SchoUer observing, sayd nothing for the present: but when the Table was cleared, saith hee to the Master of the house, Sir I thank you for my good cheare, the Goose is Eaton, to which he gave such an accent that the other apprehending it, sayd, and how meant you that ? even as I spake replyed the SchoUer : the Goose is Eaton, or Eaton is the Goose : all is but one.

Of early rising.

OOME SchoUers having agreed to rise early next *^ morning and to goe a coursing, one of them

100 MERRY TALES.

overslept himselfe, and loving his bed well, scarce got up by dinner time, the other neverthelesse went ac- cordingly as they had purposed over night, and sped so well, that by evening they were marching home with a lease of Hares : about which time, this Lazer walking that way meetes them, congratulates their good successe, and returnes backe with them. But they taxe him for breaking his word, and aske him if he did not promise to goe along. I, I conf esse it, saith he, I did promise you to rise, but the truth is / did lye.

A Major of Oxford.

A MAJOR of Oxford having fallen out with the •^"^ President and fellowes of Mawdlin CoUedge soone after it, fell into a deepe melancholy ; and his wife earnestly pressing to know the cause of his discontent : O (saith he) let me alone : I have a tricke in my head will undoe Mawdlin CoUedge : his wife intreating him to tell what it might be : Quoth he, if I could but prove that Henry the eight were before Henry the seventh, I would tricke them ifaibh.

COLLEGE JESTS. 101

0/ M. Coales and M. Billet.

A YOUNG Scholler comming to see a fresh fire, •^^^ and perceiving none to be admitted but Mas- ters of Arts, calls to the Porter, and tells him that hee was a kinsman of the Presidents ; whom when the Porter had let in, hee carries him to his Master, and tells him that that Gentleman desired entrance as his kinsman. When the President demanded how he came to bee so, he answered, hee knew not by what meanes, But that his name was billet and his worships Coales. Upon which pleasant answere the President dismist him.

A Priest and a Patron.

A BENEFICE being voyd, one neither of extra- ^^- ordinary learning, nor most commendable life came to the Patron, and intreated him to bestow the advowson upon him, who being acquainted with his insufficiencie, denyed him in these words, if I had an hundred benefices in my gift, I protest I would not conterre one of them upon thee. The Priest did presently reply, if I had a hundred sermons to make, onely you in my prayers should be unremembred.

102 MERRY TALES.

Of a Scholler and his Sweet- heart.

A YOUNG Scholler lighting upon a handsome ■*^*- wench, had agreed with her to carry her into the Colledge, for which purpose he had provided a large basket, wherein he put her, and covered her with rootea, Lettice, and such like commoditiea, and so carried it in upon his shoulders, aa though he brought some provision for the house. But by the waj, the bottome of the basket fayled, and the wenches lega did hang downe, and were visible as high as the garter. One meeting him asked him what burden he was carrying to the Colledge, who answered rootes and hearbes for sallets. And I com- mend thee quoth the other that thou haat the wit to provide auoh good flesh for thy aaUets.

Of one that came to take Orders.

/^NE eomming before one of the Bishops Chap- ^--^ lainea to be examined, before he entered into orders : being a dunce, and knowing hia own insuffi-

COLLEGE JESTS. 103

ciencie : tooke a Scholler, his friend, along with him, to stand at his elbow and prompt him ; The sentence proposed unto him by the examiner, was : Quid levins fumo? id est, What is lighter than smoaJce? and asking him what quid signified ? what, saith the prompter: what? saith he, in a cleane contrary accent: He askt him next what Levis was: The prompter whispered in his eare. More light, more light, saith he, as if he had call'd for Candles, or to have had the Casements set open : He askt him then the interpre- tation of fumo : then smoake, saith the prompter, than a smocJce, saith the dunce : at which the Chaplaine smiled, and thinking hee had answered rather wittily, than ignorantly, admitted him.

071 small Beere.

A CITIZEN at his owne house, drinking to a -^^ Gentleman in a cup of sixe-shillings Beere; presented the bowle to him with these words : Sir I will assure you, though it be small, yet it is fresh. The Gentleman when he had tasted it, made answere; you say right indeede sir, it is a^ fresh as if it had laine all night in water.

104 MERRY TALES.

An Old Latine Verse, made witty use of.

' I ""HERE is an Hexameter in VirgiU, QaU, nisi -'- merdis iriops, obhium respuat awitm, ? Now two Scholleis drinking a cup of beera to their mornings draught, one of them, tooke the pot in his

hand and sayd, Domine prcebibo tibi totv/m poffulv/m. The other instantly replyed, Qwia, nisi mentis inops oblatum respuit ollum ?

Of the Masse.

OOME Cambridge Schollers reasoning together, one *~~^ of them would have the word Masse never once named, but to be abandoned quite, and in time forgotten. Wherefore in steed of Mickaelmaaae, Ohrifstmxis, &c. hee would have it sayd, Michael-tide, Christ-tide, Ccmdle-tide, and so of the rest. This one in the Company would by no meanes approve of : for, saith he, my name is Thortias, so is many an honest mans more ; and why, for what reason, should we he called Tom-tides t

COLLEGE JESTS. 105

Of three Cambridge Schollers.

'T^WO .Gentlemen SchoUers, that were brothers, -■- and their name Buch having (when Buckes were in season) two Venison Pasties to supper; by chance came in one Mr. Gooke^ sate downe, and was bid welcome : who observing their cheere, and think- ing to play upon the Gentlemen, sayd, here is Buck, Buck, Buck, and Buck. True, replyed one of the brothers, and Buck and Buck is good meate, but I pray you remember the Proverbe, the other asked him what Proverbe: Marry (saith he) Ood sends meate, and the Devill sends Cookes.

A simple fellowes Answere.

A PLAINE simple fellow that had for many yeares ^•^ together belonged to a CoUedge, and done the Drudgery worke of the house, was by chance in the Quadrangle, when one that was formerly of the foundation, but had long discontinued, came in well attended, to give the Master and fellowes a visit. This gentleman kij^owing him, called him by his name, and asked him if he had ever scene him before. The Groome looking well upon him, and remembring his countenance, made answer, O yes, (if it like your worship) I knew you from your first comming to

the CoUedge, when you were a very scurvie Boy. 8

106 MERRY TALES.

A Scholler and a Dyer.

A N University Dyer, a very bad Husband, com- •^^- plained to a Scholler that he had ill suceesse in his trade, and that his colours did not prove well. The Scholler told him, the onely way to helpe that, was to amend his life: for it was not possible he which lived ill could dye well.

Upon old Hobson the Carrier

of Cambridge.

T T ERE Hobson lyes^ who did most truely prove ^ ^ That he could never dye^ whilst he did move : So svmg his destinie, never to rot, Whilst he might still jog on, and keepe his trot Made of spheares mettall, nsver to decay, Untill his resolution was at stay. Time nunibers motion, yet without all crime 'Gainst truth, 'twas motion numbred out his time : And like some engine mov'd with wheele and weight. His principles being seasd, he ended straight. Rest, that gives all us life, gave him his death. And too much breathing put him out of breath :

^r -

COLLEGE JESTS. 107

Nor were it contradiction to affi^rme.

Too long vacation hastned on his Terme.

Ease was his chief e disease, and to judge right

He dy'dfor heavinesse, that his Carts were light

His leasure told him that his time was come,

And lack of load made his life burdensome.

For had his doings lasted as they were.

He had been an immortall carrier,

Obediente to the Moone he spent his date,

In course reciprocall ; and had his fate

Linckt to the mutuall flowing of the seas :

Yet (strange to thinkej his waine was his disease.

His letters are delivered all, and gone ;

Onely remaines this superscription.

Hobsons Epitaph.

T T ERE Hobson lyes among his many debters, ^ ^ A man unlearned, yet of many letters : The Schollers well can testifie as Tnuch, That have receivd them from his pregnant pouch. His carriage was well knowne oft f have begun, In Embassie 'twixt father and the Sonne. In Cambridge few (in good time be it spoken) But well remembreth him by some good token.

108 MERRY TALES.

From thence to London rode he day by day. Till death benighted him, he lost his way. No wonder is it, that he thus is gone, Since most men knew he long was drawing on. His TeawAi was of the best, nor could he have Bin mir'd in any ground, but in his grave : And there he stickes indeede, still at a stand, Untill some Angell lende a helping hand. So rest in peace thou ever4oyling swaine. And supreame Waggoner, next to Gharlswaine.

<r W

CiTiE Jests.

Lib. II. Part IV.

A Counsellour and his Client.

/^^NE making a long and tedious speech to a grave ^^ Counsellour, in the conclusion thereof, made an Appollogie to excuse himselfe, for being so trouble- some. Troublesome ? replied the Counsellour, I can assure you, no sir ; you have not beene troublesome to me at all : for all the while you were speaking, my minde was of another matter.

Of a Countrey man.

A SIMPLE Countrey man having Terme-businesse •^^- in LondoTiy and being somewhat late abroad in the night, was stay'd by a Constable, and some- what harshly entreated ; the poore man observing

110 MERRY TALES.

how imperiously he commanded him, demanded of him what he was, he told him he was a Constable, and that was his Watch. And I pray you sir, for whom watch you ? (saith the man) marry, answered the Constable, I watch for the King. For the King ? replies hee againe simply: then I beseech you Sir, that I might passe quietly and peaceably by you to my lodging: for I can bring you a certificate from some of my neighbours, who are now in towne, that I am no such man. *

A Gentleman and a Barbar.

A BARBAR comming finically about a gentleman, -^^ was (as the most of them are) terrible full of talke: at length he found the leasure to aske if he would be trimm'd. Marry my friend (replied the Gentleman) if thou canst possibly, doe it in silence.

A Papist and a Puritan.

A PAPIST and a Puritan being next neighbours, and travelling by the high-way, where stood a Woodden Crosse ; the Papist put off his hat, and so

• CITY JESTS. Ill

past by : at. which his neighbour onely smiled to himselfe and said nothing. But walking further, and passing by a tree that stood in the way, and not seeing him move to that : Neighbour (saith he) I pray you in courtesie, will you resolve me a question ? with all my heart (replied the other) so that if occasion be offered, you'le doe me the like. Both agreed: now then neighbour, saith the Puritan, I would know why you did not the like reverence unto the Tree, that you did unto the Crosse, being both one wood : the reason of that (saith the other) you shall soone know, but one thing first I must know of you : this morning, when you tooke leave of your wife, Why did you kisse her lippes, and not her taile, seeing they were both made of one flesh ?

Of a Frieze J er kings.

A N honest good fellow having wome a thredbare -^^- Jerkin, for the space of two yeares and a halfe : as soone as he had compassed another such, for the good service it had done him, he made on it this Epitaph.

Here lie in peace, thou patient overcommer,

Of two cold Winters, and one scorching Summer.

112 MERRY TALES.

A great Eater.

A GENTLEMAN ridiog downe into the Countrey, -^■^ was askt by his friend, what was the best newes at London ; who answered he had, by reason of his sudden, and unexpected comming downe, not listned after any : Onely, wot you what ? (saith he). It is reported that Woolner the great Eater hath lost his Stomaeke : to whom the other replyed. If a poore man hath found it, he is directly undone.

A Gentleman and a Citizen.

A GENTLEMAN and a Citizen walking together, '^^- just before them went two Aldermen. Saith the Gentleman to the other, there goes a Cuckold : at which the Citizen, his supposed friend, taking excep- tions, tells the other what was spoken. Whereupon they made a complaint, and bearing him before the Major, the parties appear e, witnesse is calFd, the words justified : but the Gentleman pleads a mistake : for (quoth he) I said not by either of these worthy Citizens, there goes a Cuckold, but the words that I spak, were. There goes a Couple. I, was it so saith the Major? if it were no otherwise, the matter is answered, and I here discharge you the Court.

CITY JESTS. 113

A Clarke of a Church.

^ I ^HE Clarke of a Church having received some ^ discontentment from the Parish, grew sullen upon it, and when Sunday came, that hee was to give out a Psalme, he sate still in his seate, and would not so much as open his lippes. But being often caird upon, at last, looking somewhat doggedly upon the matter. Sing (saith he) to the praise of God, Quicunque vult; and presently went out of the Church.

Of a Cheesemonger.

A PUEITAN comming to a Cheesemonger, to buy -^ ^ a Gossips, or Groaning Cheese, because his wife was ready to lye downe, the Master of the shop offered him a taste of that which he seemed best to like: who before he would put it to his mouth, he put his hat to his eyes, and began a long grace: which the Cheesemonger seeing; nay (saith he) since you meane, instead of a taste, to make a meale out of my Cheese, I assure you, you shall buy none here : for I can not afford it after that rate, and measure.

114 MERRY TALES.

One with a great nose.

A GENTLEMAN with an extraordinary great -^ ^ nose, was walking along Cheapside; when an unhappy Prentice boy meeting him, made a sudden stand, at which the Gentleman musing, made a stand likewise, and asked him why hee did not keepe his way ? the lad answered. Sir, I would gladly passe by you, but I canot for your nose. The Gentleman loth to be too much observed, or occasion of any tumult in the street, with his finger hee put his nose on the one side, and said. Now youth, you may freely passe, the way lyes plaine before you.

An English Man at a French

Ordifiarie.

A N English man being in France, and at an Ordinary, -^^- where amongst other dishes were Woodcocks at the table; the English Gentleman some what before his time : took one of the Woodcocks heads, and pickt it^ which one of the Mounsieurs observing, and thinking with his fine wit to play upon him ; I have (saith he) ever noted these English men, that wheresover Wood- cocks are serv'd in, their fingers will be ever first in the dish ; the rest laught at the Jest ; and he for the

CITY JESTS. 115

present made no reply : but when the Table began to withdraw, and every one was silent, the English man fell into a great laughter; and being demanded the reason of it : troth (saith he) at a wondrous good Jest was made this night at Supper, which I protest hath so taken me, that / shall never hereafter see a Wood- cocke, but I shall either think of that Mounsieur, or some of his Gountrey-Tnen,

A Cheater and a Tapster.

A FELLOW that was exceeding dry, and had no -^ ^ money, came to a Taphouse, and calling for a Can of beere, drunke it off; which done, hee asked the Tapster if he had any bread; yes sir, saith he, you may have a whole dozen, if you please. No (saith the man) halfe a dozen will serve, and bring it in. The Tapster did so, and set them before him. Now, saith hee, because I will give thee a good account, bring me another Can of beere; which was no sooner done, but he drank it off, and withall gave him two penny loaves; then call'd for the third, then for the fourth, till hee had made it up to a full half dozen, and still for every Can gave him a loafe: then he asked him what was to pay; sixpence (saith the Tapster.) For what, saith the fellow? the Tapster replied, for beere, TTAy, hadst thou not bread for thy beere, answered the other ?

116 MERRY TALES.

Why then, pay me for my bread, saith the Tapster. Had! at thou not thy bread agen, quoth the fellow ? How can this be ? so whilst the Tapster was studdying to reconcile the intricate reckoning, he stept out of doores, and paide nothing.

A man on the Gallowes.

/^^NE that saw a poore fellow, in a very cold ^^ morning, upon the Gallowes in his shirt, and after a short confession ready to be turned off the Ladder: Alas poore man (saith he) I much pitty him: he hath stood so long yonder in the cold, that I arn affraid hee will goe neare to catch his death.

Two scuffling in the Streete.

\ MAN and a woman being together by the yeares •^^^ in the street ; and a great throng about them, a citizens wife passing that way by chance, demands of a Gentleman that came from the tumult, what the ' occasion of that upxoare might be ? You are a wh©re (sayes the Gentleman.) How, quoth shee ? thou art an arrant Knave to call me whore : I am as honest, as the skinne betwixt thy browes. But he presently very courteously put off his hat, and said, truely faire Gentlewoman, this was the occasion of their quarrell.

CITY JESTS. 117

A Drwikard and his Wife.

A WOMAN had a husband that used to come home "^ -^ often disguised, and sometimes to lye along on the floore ; & stil when she offered to raise him from the ground, hee would not be removed, but answered, the Tenement is mine owne, I pay rent for it, and I may lye where I list. Some few nights, comming home in the like taking, and sitting in a chaire before the fire, hee fell a sleepe : the woman would have waked him, but could not, and therefore went up to bed, in which she was scarce warme, but the Maide cried out aloud, Mistresse, Mistresse, my Master is fallen out of the chaire, and lies in the midst of the fire, which she hearing, lay still, and answered ; let him alone, for, as long as he payes rent for the house, he may ly3 where he list.

Of a Horse and a Pecke of

Oysters.

A GENTLEMAN having rid hard in a wet morning, -^^ and comming into his Inne dropping drie, saw a good fire in the Hall, but set so round, that he could not get so much aid shoulder roome : for the weather

118 MERRY TALES.

being wet, and cold, no man would give him place. He having espied Oysters at the Inne gate, called in great haste to the Oastler, to give his horse instantly a pecke of Oysters, for he purposed to ride away before dinner. The Oagtler was amazed, the rest wondered, but he would not rest till he saw them measured, and cast before his horse into the Manger. Strange it was to 'em all, to heare of a horse that would eate Oysters, and to behold the novelty, they left presently the fire, and ranne into the stable. In the interim the Gentleman warmes, and dries himselfe thoroughly from toppe to toe, at his pleasure. But they gaping like fooles some halfe an houre, came backe agen, and told him, his horse would not touch an Oyster. No (saith he) will not the sullen Jade fall to ? Well Oastler, bring 'em to me, and see what I can doe with 'em: and, (doe you heare?) give my horse so many Oates : which being done accordingly ; by that time the horse had made an end of his Oates, he had eaten his Oysters, the weather grew faire, and hee well dried, rode on his Journey.

A Famous Thief.

A FAMOUS Thiefe frequenting a certaine citie in -^^- England, acquainted himselfe with a Porter of one of the gates, and feed him with money, that

CITY JESTS. 119

still when he had beene abroad about any exploit, hee

should be ready to let him in at what houre soever ;

and this hee used a long time, till at length, being

taken, arraigned, and convicted for many robberies ;

he was condemned, and the next day brought to the

Oallowes ; where the Sheriffs perswading him still to

confesse more and more, at length he desired that

they would send for the Porter : which was done

accordingly, and the poore man came quaking, and

trembling, and the people were in great expectation

of some strange thing to be revealed. By this time

the thiefe upon the ladder spies him, and the poore

Porter in a pittif ul feare asks why he sent for him,

and what hee had to say to him. To whom the

thiefe replied : troth honest Porter, I onely sent for

the, to tell thee, that if I come not in to night by

twelve a clodcke, doe not tarry up for me, but goe to

bed a Gods name ; and so leaping off" the Ladder, with

this Jest in his mouth, he was hang'd in earnest.

Gentlemen at a Taverne.

OOME Gentlemen meeting at a Taverne, and being *^ put into a roome two paire of staires high, they •called for a pint of wine, which after it was drunke off", they knock'd, and call'd, but none either answer-

120 MERRY TALES.

ing, or comming up, one of the Gentlemen threw downe the pint pot, when instantly a Drawer comes up with a quart, and so left them. They following their discourse, and drinking round, soone emptied the Quart pot too. Then they knocke agen, and call, but none answering, downe goes the quart pot, and in a trice comes up a pottle ; and after some respit being likewise dispacht, they called aloud and knockt, but none would answer, till at length, they thundred with such violence, that up comes one of the Drawers, whom a Gentleman being angry at such slacke attend- ance, meets at the top of the staires, and cast him headlong downe to the bottome, at which, all the rest of his fellows, with the Master of the house, began to muster up themselves, and comming up into the gentlemens roome, demanded the reason of that violence done to his servant, and why hee did so. Marry mine Host (saith he) I did it for attendance : for throwing downe a pint, there came up a quart ; and throwing downe the quart, there camie up a Pottle : wherefore sitting here alone, and no man regarding us. We flung one Drawer downe staires, in hopes that two at the least, would come up to at- tend us.

CITY JESTS. 121

Of a very red Nose.

A PLEASANT fellow meeting a man in the '^^- street, with an extraordinary red nose, looked very earnestly in his face : the man halfe abashed, askt him what he gazed so at. Friend (replied the fellow) sure your eyes are not Matches. Noe ? (saith he) I pray you show a reason why they are not. Marry (quoth the other) If they were Matches, questionlease your nose would set them on fire.

Two Inne-keepers.

A N Inne-keeper of Saffron Walden, using every -^^^ Terme constantly to one Tnne in London, the two Hosts grew in great league of love and friend- shippe together, but ever and anon, when hee of Lon- don was about his businesse, or out of the way, mine Host of Walden was importunate with his wife, to make him a Cuckold ; which the modest woman told to her husband, what a false friend he was to him for which he vowes revenge ; and taking no notice at all what was past, the time came that mine Host of Walden was for the Countrey : great ceremony there . was, and much protestation of Love at their parting. But this injurie still stucke in mine Host of Londons stomacke, who bethought himselfe awhile after, how 9

122 MERRY TALES.

to cry quits with him, and taking his horse in the long vacation, when hee had most leasure, he rode downe purposely to see mine Host of WaldeUy when comming to the Inne, hee was no sooner dismounted, but his old friend, and familier acquaintance espied him, and running to him, embraced him and called out his wife to entertaine him. Well, his wife ap- peared, and having heard her husband formerly speak so well of him ; in way of courteous salutation, she offered her lip ; but hee scornfully put her by ; and I pi^ay you (said he) Are you wife to this man ? Yes sir (saith she) for default of a better. But I intreate you, foole me not, said he, I came to visite my friend in kindnesse, and not to be derided. Derided ? (quoth the woman) Why say you so ? I am she that have laine by his side these twentie yeares: I, that she hath, I can assure you, quoth mine Host of Walden. Would you make me beleeve that ? saith the London Host. Sure I am, that this is not the woman you were wont to lodge at my house, and lye with her Tearine by * Tearme ; I hope I know her if I see her againe : If you be such a kinde of fellow (mine Host) here is no staying for me : at which words, whilst the other stood halfe amazed, hee leapes up into his saddle, and without more pause, spurs backe as fast as hee can for London. Mine Host of Walden calls after him, but in vaine. The woman railes ; he would ex- cuse it, but cannot be heard : Drunkard and Whore-

CITY JESTS. 123

master are the best titles she can afford him : nor could the man and wife ever be reconciled ; notwithstand- ing all his vowes and oathes, with the mediation of neighbours and friends, till mine Host of London, thinking himselfe partly revenged, sent under his hand scale, that it was but a meere tricke put upon him, in requitall for a former injury.

Two old Widdows.

'nr^WO old Widdowes sitting over a Cup of Ale in a -*- Winter night, entred into discourse of their dead husbands, and after the ripping up of their good and bad qualities, saith one of them to her maide, I prethee Wench reach us another light : for my hus- band (God rest his soule) above all things loved to see good lights about the house, God grant him light everlasting. And I pray you neighbour (saith the other) let the maide lay on some more coales, or stirre up the fire, for my husband in his life time, ever loved . to see a good fire, Ood grant hiTafire everlasting.

A Horse Stealer.

A FELLOW for stealing a Horse, was apprehended, -^^- arraigned, convicted, and executed: when a stander by asking, why the man was hanged, it was

124 MERRY TALES.

answered, for stealing a horse. Nay, saith the other, no such matter ; he was hanged for being taken : for had he stolne an hundred horses, and not beene taken, he might have lived many a faire day.

A Cheater.

A CHEATEE that stole a Cup out of a Taverne, -^^^ was pursued, and taken in the street, insomuch that a great confluence of people was gathered about him : when a civell Gentleman, passing by, and seeing the tumult, demanded of one that stood outermost, the reason of it ; nothing, saith he, but that a fellow hatli gotten a Cup too much. Alas, replies the Gentle- man, naught else ? that may be an honest mans fault sometimes, and mine as soon as anothers.

A handsome Wench and a

yustice.

A HANDSOME wench for some suspitious business, -^^- was brought before a Justice, somewhat late in the Evemng ; who taking compassion of her, because shee was faire, and seemingly modest, wish'd the man that brought her before him, to have her home, and lodge her that night, and hee would heare the busi-

CITY JESTS. 125

nesse more at large to-morrow. Marry with all my

•

heart, saith he, Mr. Justice, so you will but commit my wife, which is now at home, to the Counter till morning.

A cleanly lye.

\ T riLLIAM KEMPE was by a mischance with a ' ^ aword run quit through the legge ; when a Countrey Gentleman comming to visite him, askt him how he came by that misfortune ; Kerwpe told him ; and withall, troth, saith he, I received this hurt just eight weekes since, and I have laine of it this quarter 0/ a yeare, and never stirr'd out of my Chamber.

Gentlemen at an Ordinary.

/"^ EETAINE Gentlemen being in game at an Ordi- ^^^ nary, every one complained of a filthy rancke smell that was amongst them, which grew still hotter, and hotter in their noses. At length, said one of them jestingly, I pray you Gentlemen, which of you amongst us here useth to weare socks ? A Countrey Gentleman, one of the company, presently answered not I, I protest ; I never "knew what belonged to 'em.

126 MERRY TALES.

■

Of a deafe Hostesse.

A YOUNG Gentleman having a deafe Hostesse, -^^^ used to put many jests upon her; and one day, having invited divers of his friends to dinner, thinking to make them merry, hee tooke a glasse of wine, and made signes to the good old woman, that he drank to her, saying, herQ Hostesse, I will drinke to you, and to all your friends, namely the Baudes, and whores in Tumehull street : to whom she inno- cently said, I thanke you sir, even with all my heart, I know you remember your Mother, your Aunt, and all those good Gentlewomen your Sisters.

Of a Prentice.

A YOUNG boy that came out of the countrey, and -^^* was new bound Prentice, seeing my Lord Majors show, and wondring at the great porape, and state he rid in : I marry, saith hee, now I see what we must all come too.

A Tavei'fie reckoning.

^ ENTLEMEN being at supper in a Taveme, when ^-^ an extraordinary deere bill was brought up> one of the company seemed to be very malancholy on

CITY JESTS. 127

the sudden, and being asked what troubled him, hee made this answer,

There's nothing more in Tavernes I abhor. Than when these Drawers bring art Item for.

An Empericke and his 7nan.

A PHYSITIAN and his man riding along the high- -^^- way, a pretty way off, they espied a great confluence of people. The Master desirous to know the reason thereof , sent his servant to enquire: who gallopping thither as fast as he could, and comming back againe ; 0 sir, (says hee) as you regard your life, shift for your selfe. The Physitian halfe amazed, askt him why. Why sir (quoth his servant) yonder is a fellow to be hang'd for killing a man ; now, if he were condemned for killing one, what danger are you in, that to my knowledge have beene the death of halfe a hundred at the least

A Gentleman and a Constable.

A GENTLEMAN walking somewhat late in the night, was taken by the Watch, and had before the Lanthorne ; where they very strictly demanded who hee was, and whom hee served : he answered,

128 MERRY TALES.

that hee was, as they say, a man, and that hee served God. I, say you so, quoth the Constable, then carry him to the Counter, if hee serve no body else : yes sir, replied the Gentleman, I serve my Lord Chamberlaine. My Lord Chamberlaine ? (saith the Constable) why did you not tell me so before? Marry, quoth the Gentleman, because I had thought, thou loved God better than my Lord Chamberlaine.

A Sleepy Drawer.

A DRAWER sleeping under the Pulpit, the Preacher -^"^ beate his Deske so hard, that the Drawer sud- denly awaked, start up and cryed openly in the Church, A non ; a non sir.

A Simple Constable.

A GENTLEMAN was taken by the Watch late at ■^^^ night, and finding the Constable simple, hee gave him peremptory termes ; wherefore there was no way with him, but to prison he must. At length the gentleman came up to him, and bid him commit him if he durst. Why, saith the Constable, what are you ? and what may I call your name, that the Kings Officer may not commit you ? My name (quoth the Gentle- man) is Adultery, and neither by Gods Lawes, nor

CITY JESTS. 129

mans, ought you to commit me. Which one of the wisest amongst them hearing, let him goe (saith he) Mr. Constable, let him goe : for if your wife should heare, that you had committed Adultery in your Watch, it might be an everlasting breach of love betwixt you. Upon this the Constable was appeased, and the Gentleman went quietly to his lodging.

A tall Genilevia^i and a low

Taylor.

A LITTLE low Taylor working for a proper Gentle- -^^^ man, one day brought him home a new suite, which, according to his directions, hee had made with a very high choller ; and having put it on, and but- toned it up; the Gentleman could scarce see any thing, but the skies above his head. At last, when all was done, paying the little Taylor his money ; reach me thy hand, honest friend, saith he, and now fare- well : for 1 feare that T shall never see thee agen.

Two Gentlemen falling out

^ I ^WO yong gentlemen in a Taverne challenged

^ the field over night, and met next morning;

but upon cold blood distrusting their valours, they

began to parle. At length, in regard that their going

130 MERRY TALES.

out was taken notice of by other Gentlemen, and if no blood were drawne, it might redound to both their disparagements, they agreed betwixt themselves, to give one another some slight hurt, or scratch in such a place where they could best endure it, and so drew cuts who should give the first wound, and the other to appoint the place; saith hee who was the first patient, give me a little pricke in the Arme : I will (saith the other), and ranne his Arme quite through, the fellow making sowre faces awhile, by reason of the paine hee felt ; now (saith he) stand me, and shew me where I shall hit you. But he that was untoucht. perceiving his wounded opposite scarce able to hold his sword, stands upon his guard and tels him, he lyes faire and open to him, and bids him hit him where he can; which the other not able to doe, hee came ofi" boasting and bragging to his friends, how he had got the better of the day.

A Drunkard.

\ FELLOW by chance lay drunke in the streete^ -^^^ and not able to helpe himselfe, a Gentleman walking late without a light, stumbled at him : but by good fortune he recovered himselfe, and perceiving what had laine in his way, / have sturribled at a Straw (saith he) and leapt over a block.

CITY JESTS. 131

A Gurmandizer.

A GURMANDIZING fellow protesting to a friend -^^- of his, that hee loved him as well as hee loved his soule : I thanke you Sir (saith he) with all my heart, but I had rather you loved mee as well as you love your body.

A Welch Reader.

A WELCHMAN reading the Chapter of the Gene- -^^- ologie, where AhrahaTri begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob, finding the names very difficult that he could scarce reade them : and so saith he, they begot one another to the end of the Chapter.

A Bishop and a Gentleman.

A GENTLEMAN of the Universitie, being of great -^^- acquaintance with a certaine Doctor, insomuch that they were intimate friends : it happened that the Gentleman travelled for the space of Seven yeares ; in which interim, this Doctor was made an Arch- Bishop. The Gentleman at his returne rejoycing to heare of his friends preferment, tooke time to visit him, and came just when they were preparing for dinner: the Arch-Bishop more strange in his Salu-

132 MERRY TALES.

tation than before, askt him, where he purposed to dine ? he answered, there, where his horse stood, which was both Inne, and Ordinary. Well, saith my Lord, it may be before dinner's done, you shall heare from me, and so parted without any Complements. The Gentleman went to his Inne, and the Arch-Bishop to dinner, where spying a Mullet on the Table, and remembring his promise, he calFd one of his Gentle- men, and bid him carry that same to such a man, in such an Ordinary. The Gentleman did, and finding him set among other strangers, he told him, that his Grace had sent him. that token of his love, to mend his commons. He kindly seemed to accept it, and humbly thankt his Grace, and the Gentleman, that brought it ; but withall demanded of him, if his Lord- ship had not sent him either bread to his fish or Beere, or Wine ? The Gentleman answered, not any of those. Then I pray you, saith he, take my service backe in a sheete, to your Lord ; and calling for Pen, Inke, and Paper, he writ this Distich.

Mittitur in disco

Mihipiscis ah Archiepisco Po non ponatur,

Quia potus non mihi datur.

The Messenger had tooke his leave, and was going, but hee called him backe againe, and told him, his Grace that could forget his friends, might perchance

CITY JESTS. 133

not well remember his Latine : therefore he intreated him to stay and take the same lines interpreted into English which was thus.

There was a fish, sent me in a dish, by an Archbish. Hop shall not be here : because he sent no Beere.

A yeast tip on a y easier.

/^^NE that presented the Clowne in a play, being ^^ talking in the Tyer -house, some or other had layd his cap out o£ the way : in which interim, he was called to enter, and forced to goe in without it. But afterward the Cap being found saith one of the company to his boy that then served him. Sirrah here's your Masters Cap, goe to him now whilst he's speaking, and put it on his head. But the Lad (whether simply, or knavishly, I cannot tell) replyed : no truly, sir, pardon me, there is no wit in that.

The Reversion of a house.

/^^NE came bragging from the Court of Aldermen, ^^ that they had granted his suite, and promised him a lease of the next house that fell. To whom one that stood by replyed, but had it beene my case, I should have petitioned for a house that stood.

134 MERRY TALES.

A Welchman and a Cutpurse.

A GENTLEMAN that had a Welchman waiting '^■^ on him, came to see a Play, and drawing his purse at the doore, which was well furnished with crownes, a Cutpurse espyed him, dog'd him, and tooke up his seate by him. A little after, the Welchman sitting behinde his Master, observed, that whilst he was seriously minding the sport, the Cheater had cunningly conveyed the purse out of his pocket, and was about to rise : when presently, without more words, hee drew his knife, and at one slash cut off the Cheaters eare. The fellow startling at the sud- dainnesse of the act, and troubled with the smart, lookt behind him, and asked- him what hee meant by it. The Welchman having his eare in his hand, answered, no harme done, good friend, no harme done, Give hur Master hur purse, and I will give hur, hur due.

A Penurious Citizen, and his

Preniise.

\ PENXTRiOUS Citizen used to feede his Pren- ■^^ tises with Lights, and Livers, and such like trash : and having appointed one of his men to meete

CITY JESTS. 135

him in the fields, the fellow came with a great heavie clos: on his necke: his Master askt him his reason, for so doing : he made answere, he had fed so long on Lights, that he was now forced to carry that weight about with him, least the open ayre should blow him away.

Of Swimming.

A MONGST other communications at Table there -^^- was discourse held concerning swimming : when one of the Company spoke to his next neighbour, say- ing, Sir you came from such a place, where there are many famous swimmers, I must suppose you excellent in that Art. Tis true, replyed the other, that there are many good swimmers in the place, whence I came, but for mine own part / can swim no more than a Ooose.

Of a she-servant that came to

take her oath.

A WAITING Woman being summoned into a ^^•^ Court to take her oath, (for she was served in with a subpoena) the examiner asked her, how he should write her downe : a Maide, a Wife, or a Widdow ?

lae MERRY TALES.

She bid him write her downe a Maide, for she never had husband. He finding her a pretty smug Wench, askt her how old she was ; she told him, about sixe and twenty. Sixe and twenty ? saith he, (willing to sport with her) then take heede what you sweare, for you are now upon your oath : May I securely set you downe Maide, being of these yeares ? the Wench made a pause, and considering a while with her. self e : I pray you sir saith she, stay your hand a little, and write me downe young Woman,

A Short Cloake.

A GENTLEMAN spying one walke in a most pit- -^^ tifull short cloake, sayd to a friend that was then walking with him, did you ever see a poore man weare his cloake so short ? 0 there is helpe for that replyed the other : for I see by his countenance, that he can finde a way, to weare it longer.

Of Wine.

o

NE presented a Drunkard for his New-yeares- gift with these few lines.

Whilst in my Pot or Olasse I keepe my wine, I boldly dare presume, that they are mine.

CITY JESTS, 137

But when the Pot I by the glasse devour,

Being drunke the Masters in the Servants power.

I have it not, it hath me ; all I have

Is to he made a Prisoner to my slave.

What was my vassall, now I Idoll call ;

For I before it must both kneele, and fall.

A Welchman . A rraigiied.

A WELCHMAN Arraigned, and convicted by the -^^- favour of the Bench had his booke granted him : but when he was burnt in the hand, they bad him say, God save the King : Nay, saith he, God blesse my Father and my Mother : for had not they brought me up to write and reade, I might have beene hanoj'd for all the King.

A Epitaph made upon an honest

Cobler.

T T ERE lyes a Gobler, that dwelt in the Strand, ^ -*■ Who though he was still on the mending hand

Yet by the force of loinde, and weather ;

His sole was rent from his uppe^^ leather. 10

138 MERRY TALES.

Of a Gentleman visiting his

frie:nd.

A GENTLEMAN comming to visit his sicke friend, -^^^ found him wondrous faint-hearted, and feare- f ull of death : insomuch that he grew ashamed of his too much pusillanimity, especially in regard of the standers by: for he had nothing in his mouth, but ah, woe is me, have I no friend here, that will dispatch me from my paine ? and these words were iterated so often, that the Gentleman drawing his sword, with a menacing looke, sayd Yes, you have one friend yet left, that for your sake will doe, and with that he levelled the point directly at his breast. The sicke person terribly amazed, that his friend, though he entreated him, should proflFer to kill him, raised him- selfe upon hi» bed, and wisht him to hold his hand : for his desire was, to he rid out of his paine, aoid not out of his life.

Of a Vintners Boy.

TT THEN two Divines passed through a Tavern,

^ ^ and called for no wine, the Vintners boy

seeing them, what (saith he) two preachers goe

through the Church, and not offer to say their

prayers ?

CITY Jp;STS. 139

An Epitaph made on a Cobler.

T T ERE lye% an honest Cobler, whom curst Fate, -*■ ^ Perceiving nigh worne out, ivould needes

Translate. He was a trusty soule, and time hath bin, He could (well liquor'd) wade through thicke and

thin. Death put a tricke upon him, and what was't He calling for his Awle, Death brought his Last. Twas not uprightly done to cut his thread, That mended more and more, till he was dead. Yet being gone, this onely can be sayd ; Honest John Cobler here is underlayd.

An Oppressour.

/^^NE told a great Oppressour, he might kill ^--^ beggers by the Law. He asked his reason why. Why, saith the other, because you are before hand in their number, and cannot easily kill so many as you have made.

140 MERRY TALES.

A wry Nose.

A FELLOW disposed fco play the wag with one, -^^^ whose Nose stood awry : Sir, saith he, I know what your Nose is not made of, and I know what it is made of. First, I will assure you, it is not made of wheate. What then (saith the other ?) I will be judged by all the company, If it be not made a Rye.

On Usury.

A PARSON that railed against Usury, and ex- -^^^ tortion, making the sinne equall with wilfull murther ; a little after, upon some urgent necessitie, came to borrow money of one of his parishoners, desiring to have it for three moneth gratis. The fellow remembring his Sermon, made answere; truely sir, if to lend money upon use, be in your opinion as great a sinne as murder, to lend money gratis, can be a sinne in my conceit no lesse tlian Ttian-alaughter,

Fire and Toe.

ONE seeing a fellow warme his feete by a hot sea-coale fire ; My friend (saith he) what doe you meane to 'put fire and toe together?

CITY JESTS. 141

Borrowing of a Cloake.

A POORE decayed Gentleman that had either -^^- pawn'd, or sold his cloake, came to another that knew him, desiring him to lend him a spare cloake ; and prest him so f arre, that the other over- come with much importunitie, and yet unwilling to unsuite his wearing cloathes for him, lent him a thinne stuffe cloake upon a promise within two or three dayes to restore it. But dayes, weekes, and moneths came ; in which time hee never heard of the Gentleman ; till at last, one cold frosty morning, he met him with the same cloake upon him, worn thred- bare, and scarce able to hang together: whereupon staying him, he challengeth him upon breach of promise, telling him withall that in regard to that private cheate, he will doe him a publicke disgrace ; and take his owne, (though worth nought) where- soever he findes it, which was no sooner sayd, but he oflFered to plucke it from oflF his shoulders : the other desired him to forbeare, and told him, he might doe more than he could answere : for (saith he) when I borrowed it of you, I was a Protestant, but since am turned Roman Catholicke, and comming to my Confessour, amongst other* things, I told him how ungratefully I had used you, concerning this poore garment ; for which he enjoyned me this Pennance :

142 MERRY TALES.

Hast thou, sayd he, had the pleasure, to weare so light a cloake all the warm summer? then I com- mand thee in punishment to thy fault, not to leave it off for ike space of this cold frosty winter : and with that he slipt away from him.

Of a Chandler.

A CHANDLER, whose shop was brok open one -^^- night, and rob'd, sate very melanchoUy in the morning: when otie of his next Neighbours seeing him so sad, demanded of him the cause. Ah Gossip (saith he) fetching a great sigh, this night my shop hath been rifled, and I finde missing a whole grosse of Candles: Marry a great losse indeed neighbour, replyes the other ; what, a whole grosse of Candles ? but take it not to heart, for there is no doubt, but that in good time, they will be brought to light

A yustice and a Bawde.

A NOTORIOUS Bawde brought before a Justice of -^^^ Peace for many lewde demeanours, but especi- ally for keeping a common Brothell - house, was examined of divers particulars, all which she obsti- nately denyed, though there were proofes sufficient,

CITY JESTS. 143

apparently to convict her : which the Justice hearing, well (huswife) saith he, you keepe a common brothell- house, and I will maintaine it. Marry, I thanke your good worship, replies the old Bawde : for such a mip-^ port I have great neede of.

Of five Vintners.

TTIYE Vintners riding into Kenty to be Merry, upon -^ horses hired or borrowed, in their returne came through Oreenewicky and allighted at the Taverne next to the Bridge foote; where they fell a healthing so long, till it grew towards Night. One tumbled on a bed, another sate drowsie in a chaire : onely one stood stifly to it, and told them plainely, if they would not instantly take horse, hee would leave them there, and commend them to their wives in London, But they all agreed to stay there that night, and take the benefit of the morning. With this answere away goes hee, though it was now growne darke, and keeping the Londoners pace, a tantivie, it hapned that within a little of Debtford, a' dead horse lay full in the way, just of the same colour with that on which he rid. His live horse stumbles at the dead, horse and man are overthrowne; but the foure legges nimbler than the two, gets up first, and away plods onward his journey towards London, The Vintner bruised

144 MERRY TALES.

with the fall, makes a shift to get up cursing his Jade, and groaping in the darke if it be possible to finde him. At last he lights upon the dead one, kickes to rouse him up, but all in vaine, he will not stirre : the poore man in this perplexitie, is almost at his wits end : but spying a candle, some bowes shoote before him he makes towards it, and presently findes him- selfe in Dehtford. There he enquires for a Farrier or Smith, and they direct him to his house. But Vulcan having got a Cup in his pate, would by no entreaties be raised, under a Crowne in hand ; which was given him. Up gets the Smith, calls his man to carry a candle and Lanthorne : the Vintner tells him all his misfortune by the way, and directs him to the place of this disaster; in treating him to use all the Art he can, in the recovery of his horse, being but hired. By this time they come to the sad spectacle ; the Smith lifts at his head, and his man at his taile, but finding no motion, gave him over as lost. The Londoner looking sad upon the businesse, fetcht a great sigh, and sayd, whilst I have beene knocking up the Smith, some body hath stolen away my Bridle and Saddle. Backe to the Towne goeth he with the Farrier and his man, resolving to sit up that night, and to comfort himselfe with a Cup of Ale, which the Smith soone brought him too : where I leave them plotting together, and from thence looke backe to Oreenwich, The morning comes, when my late drowsy Vintners refreshed with

CITY JESTS. 145

sleepe, are quickly stirring, and mounted on their liorses : and galloping through Debtfordy are espied by their fift companion, who calls after them. They wonder to see him there, and askt him if he had done ther comendations to their wives. But he entreates them to leave their jestings, and tells them all the former circumstances of his last nights misfortune. Some laugh at him, others lament with him, according to their several humours. To be short with this discourse, he on foote, & they on horseback, have left the town a mile behind them, when one of them casting his eye aside, spyes a horse bridled and sadled, browsing on the hedge, and saith withall, is not that the beast you rod on? He dares not acknowledge him. That is sure the same saddle and bridle saith another, or very like 'em, but he hath scarce faith to beleeve it: at length all of them agree, that both horse and furniture are the same : yet though he be sure to pay for one, hee can hardly be won to hazard the stealing another. In the end they prevaile with him, up he mounts, the stirrops fit him, and delivering him at the stable from whence he hired him, he is by the owner'acknowledged for the same.

146 MERRY TALES.

Two striving for the Wall.

'Tn wo Gentlemen meeting, the one jostled the other -*- from the Wall, and had almost made him to measure his length in the channell: who by much adoe recovering himself e catne up close to him, and asked him whether he were in jest, or in earnest? He told him plainely, that what ho did was in earnest. And I am glad, replies the other, that you told me so : for I protest, / love no awch jesting : by which words he put off the quarrell.

A Horse-Courser.

*

/^^NE comming into Smithfield on a Friday Market, ^^ caird to a Horse-courser aloud, and said, I prethee, my friend, how goe horses to day ? Marry; as you see, (quoth the fellow) some aynhle, some troty some gallop.

One that parted a fray.

/^NE parting a fray, was cut into the scull, and ^-^ comming to be drest ; saith the Chirurgion, as he was searching the wound, here is a dangerous Orifice, your Pericranium is pierced, so that one may

CITY JESTS. U7

plainely see your braines. I doe not believe that, re- plies the Patient : for had I had any braines at all, I should never have been so mad, as to have come betwixt them to part the fray.

A Bargaine in Sfnithfield.

A PLEASANT fellow, desirous to put off a lame ^ ^ horse, rode him from the Sunne Taverne within Cripple-gate, to the Sunne in Holborne, near to Fullers Rents : and minding the next day to sell him in Smith- field, the Chapman askt him why he looked so leane. Marry, no marvell, answered he : for but yester day, I rid him from 8unn£, to 8unn£, and never drew Bit

A House broke open.

A N unthrift, who had cleane spent his estate, had -^^^ his house one night broke open by theeves : At last awaked with the noise, and hearing them bustle below, he calFd to 'em, saying, honest friends, ' 1 wonder how you can hope to find any thing here in the darJce, when 1 my selfe in the broad day time : with all m/y search can find nothing.

148 MERRY TALES.

A Question made, in what place a Cuckolds homes should grow.

/^^NE deswaded a young man from marrying such ^-^ a Wench, because she was wantonly given, and would make him weare homes. Homes ? (quoth a woman that stood by) I have heard much talke of these homes, but could never be resolved, where they should grow. Another made answer, in regard that they were not visible, she was of opinion they grew in the nape of the necke. Truly, replies the former, perchance so, and that may be the reason, why "my hus- band weaves out his hands so fast behinde.

A Citizen and his Wife.

A CITIZEN jealous of his wife, and restraining her -^^^ of her former liberty, she lovingly demanded the reason thereof, who as kindly resolved her in these words : I vow (sweetheart) though I dare trust thee with all the world, yet I am loth to trust all the world with thee.

CITY JESTS. U9

Of one that kept his bed.

" I ^WO Gentlemen meeting, one asked the other, ^ whether hee was going ? Marry, saith he, to visite such a Gentleman, who keepes his bed. When the other demanded if he were sicke ; no, saith he, hee is in very good health, but lie hath lately sold all the goods he had in his house, save oriely his bed, and that he keepes.

0/ a Collier that tooke Tobacco.

A COLLIER comming into a Tobacco shoppe, -^^- sate him downe, and observed two gentlemen who called either of them for a fresh pipe, and when they had drunke them off, being well acquainted with the man of the house, bade him farewell, and they would pay him the next time they came that way. You're welcome Gentlemen, cryes the Tobacco-man, and so let thenfi goe. This done, the Collier calls for his pipe ; and having whift it off, was walking away without paying ; but the man pluckt him backe, and asked him for money. Money ? saith the Collier, why what dost thou take mee to be ? Marry, quoth the man,^ by thy habit I take thee to be a Collier^ I tell thee friend, replies the Collier, I have called for Tobacco

150 MERRY TALES.

like a Gentleman, I have drunke it like a Gentleman, and I will pay thee like a Gentleman. Farewell, it shall be the next time that I come this way.

A Scrivener and his man.

A TONG Scrivener newly come to his trade, -^^- reading a Bill of Sale to his Master, made according to the forme : as I such a one doe passe, grant, demisse, make over, &c. all my goods, lands, possessions, moveables, lying in such a place, for such a summe, or summes of money, received to the use, &c. at which very word, a sudden cough tooke him, so that he was forced to breake off, and made a long pause; insomuch as his Master growing extremely angry, bad him read on with a mischiefe : at which word gathering breath, he proceeded in this manner: to you, and your heires, and their heires males, and- to all that shall, or may hereafter issue, &c.

A Cobler in the White Fryers^

A COBLER that kept shop under a stall, in the ^ ^ going downe to White Fryers, used to mocke a couple of young Gentlemen, as they went to Schoole, telling them they would be jerked, or that they had

CITY JESTS. 151

beene whipt, and never could they passe by him with- out some taunt or other ; whereupon they cast to be revenged, which thus they brought to passe ; one of them got him a pocket Pistoll, charged with powder onely ; the other got a squirt full of blood ; and marching towards Schoole, they spied the Cobler in his shoppe, ready to give them their salutation ; when presently the one plucks out his Pistoll, saying, now villaine, I will cry quits with thee, and so dis- charged it in his face ; the other withall emptied his Squirt, by which he appeared nothing but blood all over. Downe falls the Cobler, away the Lads runne. The report of the Pistoll being heard, in come the neighbours, and such as passe by : the blood is dis- covered, and the murther apparant, but the Murther- ours fled. Surgeons are sent for, the body'es drag'd out of the stall, and searched, but no wound can be found above waste. At last the Surgeons comming to open him below, might guesse by the smell, in what danger he was. Hot waters are sent for, and he soone after recovered, but so ashamed of the businesse, that he was never scene in his shop nor in White Fryers after.

152 MERRY TALES.

One jealous of his wife.

A CITIZEN very jealous of his wife had play'd -^^- false, grew into a great melancholy, which brought him to his night-cap. A neighbour of his comming to visit him, demanded of him where his paine troubled him, whether in his head, or in his stomache, or in his heart, or what other part of his body : He made answer, that hee felt himselfe sound in all parts outward and inward, save onely he was troubled with a had Liver.

One charming the DevilL

A CERTAINE fellow, frighted with an apparition -^^- in the night, rose out of his bed in great feare, and began to exorcise it in this manner : If thou beest a good Angell, I know thou wilt not hurt me,, because thou canst doe no evill ; or if thou beest the Devill, or his Damme, I hope thou wilt not hurt me neither, because of kindred sake, for I have married thy sister.

CITY JESTS. 153

Of an unskilfull Painter.

A COUNTRY Painter painting a small Parish- -^^- Church, made very course worke, and not two words of true Orthography: wherefore he was blamed by one that came to overlooke the Worke, who asked him the reason, why he writ such false English, Alas sir, replies the Painter, you must understand, that this is a poore Village, and they would be loath to goe to the charges of trvbe.

Difference between Scot and Sot.

A PRAGMATICALE young felloe sitting at Table -^^^ over against a gentleman named Scot : asked hi me what difference there was between Scot and Sot : Just the breadth of the Table, answered the Other.

Of Praying for a Sone.

OIR Thomas More, for a longe time hade only *^ Daughters, his Wife earnestly praying that theye might have ane Boy: at laste they hade a Boye, who when he came to man's estate proved but simple ; thou prayedst so long for a Boy, sayde Sir Thomas to his Wife, that at laste thou hast got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives, 11

154 MERRY TALES.

Concerning a Moving Discourse.

A . CLERGYMAN, as was his Custome, preaching -^^^ most exceeding dull to a Congregation not used to hime, many of theme slunke out of Church one after another before the Sermon was finished. Truely sayde a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very moving Discourse.

0/ a bragging Welshman.

*

A WELSHMAN bragging of his Family, sayde, his -^^^ Fathers Effigies was sete up in Westminster- Abbey, being ask'd whereabouts, he sayde in the same Monument with Squire Thyne's for he was his Coachman.

Ane Poore Scholar.

A NE Beggar asking Almes under the Name of a -^^^ poore Scholar, a Gentleman to whome he ap- ply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in Latin, the Felloe shaking his head, sayde he did not understande hime : why sayde the Gentleman, did you not say y(m were a poore Scholar ? Yes, reply'd the other, a poore one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand on^ word oj Latin.

THE SECOND PART OF THE

CiTiE Jests.

Lib. IL Part V.

An Epitaph ^tpon a scolding

Woman.

\ T T'EE lived one and twentie yeares,

^ ^ Like man and wife together. I could no longer keepe her here,

She's gone I know not whither. If I could guesse, I doe prof esse,

( / speake it not to flatter.) Of all the women in the world,

I never would come at her. Her body is bestowed well,

A handsiome grave doih hide her : And sure her soule is not in ,

The Fiend could ner abide her.

156 MERRY TALES.

I ihinhe she soar'd up to the skie, For in the last great thunder,

Me-thought I heard her voyce on hye, Rending the Clouds asunder.

An unequall Marriage.

A YOUNG woman married an old man, on the -^^- Wedding Day was very sad and melancholy : which a neighbour of hers observing, spake merrily, and said, be of good comfort neighbour, for an old horse will travell as long a journey, as a young one. I, saith she, fetching a great sigh, hut does not look the same.

Of two Women Scolding.

np^ wo women of loud tongues, and little patience, -^ falling at ods, grew into foule language ; and after many despightfull words, given on both sides, saith the one to the other : come, come Gossip, keepe your tearmes to yourselfe ; I can prove thee both a bawde, and a thief e: and I will maintaine my selfe in all respects, even as good as thou art.

CITY JESTS. 157

A woman and her Confessour.

A WOMAN comming before her Ghostly Father, -^^^ and amongst other things confessing unto him, that the child she had last, was by another man, and not by her husband ; he would not absolve her of the fact, under this pennance, that she should tell him openly to his face, it was not his, which she vowed to performe; and comming home, tooke the child, and pincht it so, that it cryed extreamely : then she en- treated her husband to mufl3e himselfe in his cloake, and play the Hobgoblin, which the innocent man, ignorant of the deceit, was willing to doe. Then she hugg*d and made much of the child in one arme, and with the other thrust off her husband, saying. Away thou naughty man, tlii^ child is none of thine; and re- peated often, this child is none of thine. The husband perceived not her craft, and the woman thought her pennance, and promise to the Priest, sufficiently per- formed.

One that had a Scold to his wife.

ONE that had a notorious shrew to his wife, in a great jangling that happened betwixt them, could not containe himselfe, but catching up a flaggon pot, gave her a very deepe wound in the head which

158 MERRY TALES.

cost his purse soundly. A little after, the woman sitting amongst her Gossips, said openly, her husband did not dare to hreake her head any more, because hee payd so dearely for his last worke. This being told to her husband, hee considered with himselfe, and the next day sent for an Apothecary, and Chirurgion home to his house : who when they were come, called for his wife, in her presence he payd them all to a farthing, and also gave to either of them a Peece. saying this money moreover I deliver you, in earnest of the next cure.

An Invitation to Dinner.

/^^NE neighbour inviting another to dinner, and ^^ thinking to expresse a great complement of Hospitality, bespoke him thus : good neighbour, saith he, come to my house to dine with me, and thus much I promise you, that if you bring your meate along with you, saving for your wine, you shall finde nothing to pay.

A Company at Dinner.

A SUDDEN silence being at a table where many ^^^- guests were sitting at dinner, one amongst them said aloud, why, how now Gentlemen and

CITY JESTS. 169

Gentlewomen? liow comes it to passe that there is not one worde amongst us all? I am afraid that some of you sit erosse-legg'd. A young Gentlewoman looking up in his face, replied, it is not I sir, I assure you : for I have something hetvoixt my knees ; mean- ing the Tressell of the Table.

Of Dicke Woodrofe and the

Sergeants.

T~\ ICKE WOODROFFE, a man well knowne in this -■— ^ City, being arrested for a round sum of money, seemed to take it patiently, and willingly went with them to the Countergate; where considering with himselfe, he intreated them to drinke one joviall cup with him to cheare his heart, before he entred into that place. The Sergeants, who seldome refuse any wine that comes gratis, embraced his kind proffer : he in the interim whispered to his man, to fetch him such a quantitie of Suger, and withall so much Rats-bane ; which done, they entred the Taverne, having no small traine attending them. After some Cups had passed round, he called for a great beere bowle, and began a health to his future liberty, which they all pledged : now his man had so ordered the businesse, that they drank Rats-bane amongst their wine, and Sugar.

160 MERRY TALES.

Well, the health being pledged, he thankes them all, and prepares himself to goe along with them, saying, Whether I am going (thats to the Counter) ye all know, but whether ye are going, that is, either above or below, God knowes ; for as I am a Gentleman, ye are all poyson'd : at which words they felt a sudden alteration, and were sensible how the poyson began to worke. Sallat-oyle in all haste was sent for, and drunke out of measure: which because they drunke so suddenly, before the poyson had too farre wrought upon them, it did prevaile. The successe thereof was this, he was thrust into prison ; they scaped, but with the loss of some of their nailes, and haire : and amongst the Catch-poles at this day, it is a Proverbe to drinke Lick Woodroffes health.

An answer from a y agues-

Farmer.

T~^ IVERS Gentlemen walking the streets somewhat ^^ late, where the Gold-finders were at worke, fie fellowes, say they, what a beastly smell doe you make? To whom one, of the most ancient amongst them replied, if Gentlemen, you, or such as you, keepe your mouths stopped, you should not now need jor to stoppe your noses.

CITY JESTS. 161

A Gentleman and a Drawer.

A GENTLEMAN crost by a Drawer, & conducted -^^- into a Roome two paire of staires high, thought thus to be revenged on him. First, he knocks for the fellow, and bids him draw him a pint of wine, I will, I will sir, answered the Drawer ; but before he was at the lowest step of the I. paire of staires, he knocks agen aloud for the Drawer, who answered, Anon, anon sir, but came up presently, and asked him what he would have. Drawer, saith he, with the pint of wine bring mee a Spitoon. The Drawer ran downe very nimbly, but the Gentleman knockt the third time louder than hee did before, insomuch that he was forced to come up againe, and entring the Roome very angerly, asked him what he wanted; Nothing, saith the Gentleman, but this, I called thee first up, to bring a pint of Wine, the second time, to bring me a Spitoon, and now I would intreate thee, that thou wouldst not bring the wine up in the Spitoon.

A Welchman Arraigned.

A WELCHMAN travelVd by the way, -^^- And found a Cow which did not stay ; Thought he, she's faire, fat, and well growne, rie make use of her as mine owne ;

162 MERRY TALES.

He did so, takes her, and was tooJce, As she was tolling at the Booke, Arraigned he was, condemned and hist With an hot iron in the fist. One meeting him, demanded hoWy He did, sin^e stealing of the Cow ; And seeing still his wound was raw. To tell him how he lik'd the Law, The Lawe, the Welchman soone replyed. Hath quit her both of home and hide : And now hur selfe well understand, Hur hath the Law in hur owne hand.

A Countrey man comming to enquire after a Gentleman.

A PLAINE Countrey fellow comming up to Lon- -^^^ don, was requested to enquire after such a Gentleman, dwelling in such a place, and to deliver him a Letter. The countrey man comes to the house according to direction, and asks for such a Gentleman. Now it fortuned that the Gentleman himselfe came to the doore, and willing to have some sport with the fellow, told him that he had lost his labour ; for the Party after whom he did enquire, was hang'd the last Sessions at Tyburne for a Robbery! For a Robbery ? quoth the Country fellow. Now fye upon him for a

CITY JESTS. 163

wicked man, Was he not content to be a notorious Cuckold ? for so he was thought in the Country, but must hee prove theefe also ?

0/ two vying wits together.

T^WO Gentlemen contending at a meeting, which -*• should put forth the best Jests, many witty conceits passed betweene them : but in the conclusion, one of them put such a taunt upon the other, that it dasht him quite out of countenance, insomuch that hee remained silent for a great while. The company then present laughed outright, saying that hee had struck him dead, as Sampson did the Philistines. The other presently taking hold of these words, made answere. True indeede, I received that blow, by the jaw-bone of an Ass,

•

0/a Physitian and a Farrier.

A DOCTOR of Physicke sent to a Farrier, to -^^^ come and give his horse a Drench, which he did accordingly : whereupon the Doctor drew forth his Purse, to give him satisfaction ; but the Farrier modestly refused it, saying by no means sir, It is not seemely that we which are of the same profession, shovM take money one of another.

164 MERRY TALES.

A greeting betwixt two Gentle -

men.

A GENTLEMAN much indebted, that durst not -^^^ walke the streetes, for fear of Arrest, tooke a lodging in Fullers Rents ; where an acquaintance of his taking his oppertunity to visit him, sent up his name, and was presently admitted : who after a lov- ing Salutation, bespoke him thus. Now praysed be God sir, you are as safe here, as in a Sanctuary. I, replyes the other, true indeede Sir, othewme I should not have seene you here.

A yest well retorted.

'T^HE Father of our English Poets, meditating one -*■ morning in Grays-Inne walkes, three or foure gallants espying him, saith one to the other, yonder walkes such a man, let us walke up to him,. and you shall heare how I will Jeere him. Some were un- willing in regard for his Age (whereto some reverence belonged :) but this Gallant after a scornefull saluta- tation, asked him what idle fancie out of Homer hee was ruminating of, demanding likewise many foolish and frivolous questions, and still pressing upon him to know what idle Poeticall fable he thought of. At

CITY JESTS. 165

length after a short pause, he returned answere thus : Indeed sir my minde was busied in a better meditation, for I was thinking on the 9. verse, of the 39. Psalme which as I remember, is to this purpose.

For all the sinnes that I have done

Lord quite me out of handy And Tnake me not a sco'ime to foolea,

That nothing understand.

The good advise of an Host.

A COMPANY of my Acquaintance comming to -^^- an Inne in Cambridge and having stayd some- what long, some of them desired the rest of their company to make hast, for they must bee gone. Why, saith the Host, the best way to be gone is to drinJce hard.

A man with one eye.

A FELLOW with one eye being abroad about -^^- his businesse, his wife in his absence enter- tained another man : but so it happened that her husband came home, and entred the Roome before the loving couple expected him. At whose presence

166 MERRY TALES.

the woman greatly abashed, smiled, and running to

her husband, clapt her hand upon the eye he could

see with, saying, husband I dreamt just now that

you could see as well with the other eye, as with

this : pray tell me : meane while her friend slipt out of doores.

A Knavish yest.

^ I ^WO Gentlemen wrangling at Cards, the one told -*■ the other he was a knave : and sir sayes the other you are a Court Carde too, yet neither King nor Queene,

A caveat for Marriage.

A WOMAN faire I dare not wed, -^^^ For feare I weare Acteons head. A Woman blacke is alwayes provd,

A Woman little alwayes lotide, A Woman that is full of growth,

Is always subject unto sloth. So faire, or foule ; little, or tall,

Some fault remaines among them all.

CITY JESTS. 167

In Tobacconistam.

TV yr UCH meaU doth Oluttony produce, ^^■^ Arid makes a man a Swine ; But lie's a temperate man indeede

That on a leafe can dine. He needes no Napkin fcyr his hands

His fingers for to wipe ; He hath his Kitchin in a Box,

His roast meate in a Pipe,

Of a new -married woman that called her Husband Cuckold.

A WENCH new marry' d, within three dayes -^^^ space,

Did call her husband Cuckold to his face. Her Husband taking it in great disdaine. Thereof did to her mother straight complaine. Her mother rages ; ah, base Drab, she sayes ! What, call thy husband Cuckold in three dayes ? Thy Father hath beene Cuckold, tis knowne

well, These twenty yeares, yet I durst neere it tell.

168 MERRY TALES.

A Woman beating her Husband.

/^^F late a Woman fiercely did assaile ^-^ Her husband with sharp tongue^ and

sharper naile. But one that heard and saw it to her sayd, Why doe you use him thus ? he is your head. He is my head indeede, saith she, tis true : Sir I may scratch my he^^d, and so may you.

On a Scold.

T T ERE lye% a Woman, no man can deny it ;

^ ^ She rests in peace, although she lived unquiet Her husband prayes, if by her grave you walke, You'd gently tread : for if shee 'Wake, shee'le talke.

0/ two Tylers.

T^WO Tylers working together upon one roofe, the -*• one called to the other, and asked him if he were not ashamed to doe his worke so lightly, con • sidering that they were to bee well payd for their paines : 0 "(replyes the other) thou art a foole : If we worke well to day, we may chance beg to morrow.

CITY JESTS. 16^

Of light gold.

A COUNTREY Gentleman comes to a Gold-smiths -^^*- shop in Cheapeside, and askes him if he can helpe him to a hundred pounds in gold, for so much white money : he told him that he could, but withall asked him for what use he would have it. Marry (quoth the Gentleman) I am to ride downe into the Country, and I would have it for lightnesse. For lightnesse ? sayd the Goldsmith ? and I presume I can fit you at this time, no man in the row better : so told him out the sum in light gold; which the Gentleman receiving without weight, when he came into the Country, he could not put it off without s^ven pounds, and odde money losse. Wherefore at his next returne to London, he came to the .Gold- smith, and demanded satisfaction; but he told him that he had done him no injury at all ; for (saith he) you desired to have gold for the lightnesse, and I am of opinion, that few in towne could have fumisht you with any lighter.

Horses to Let.

A COUNTRY fellow riding to London, and casting -^^^ his eyes by chance upon a signe, read there these words, Here are Horses to Let, 1633, which was 12

170 MERRY TALES.

the yeare the signe was first set up in. When presently turning to his companion, saith he, so many horses in one place to be hired ? I much marvaile how they doe for stable-roome.

Of a Welchman to pay a

reckoning.

A WELCHMAN in his heat of blood, broke another -^^- fellowes head in the streete, and apprehended for it, before he could get away, they made him pay ten groates: which done he comes to a Cookes-shop, calls for what he likes, and falling into discourse with the man of the house, relates to him the fore-past story, how they had made him pay ten groates for break- ing a scald, rascally knaves cockscombe. The good man told him, so much was the Mulct for bloodshed, nothing to be bated. Well this past on, and at last when hee had satisfied himselfe, he ask't what was to pay. Answere was made, there was to pay, just five groates. Five groat? replyes the Welchman; fery weli I have no money now ; breake hur head, and bring her the rest

CITY JESTS. 171

A luces maintenance.

nr^HEY thai take paines shall get, the Proverbe goes:

•^ Lucie takes pleasure, yet doth nothing lose. Poore labouring Porters with much paine and sweate, Scarse get suffi^cieni victualls for to eate : But if that Luce at any time doth lacke, She with her mouth can releeve her back.

0/ a Madman in Bedlam.

A YOUNG woman coming to Bedlam with other of -^^^ her Neighbours, to observe the fashions and behaviours of those wretched people, saw a man (as she then thought) somewhat more distracted than the rest, and taking compassion of him, supposing with her selfe, that jealousy or some such like fancie had occasioned his frenzie, she askt him if hee were not married. Marry 'd? saith he, looking steadfastly upon her, no indeede Gentlewoman, I would have you to think, I am not so mad yet.

Of a rich Citizen and his sonne.

A WEALTHY Citizen desirous to make his sonne a -^^^ Gentleman, put him to one of the Innes of

172 MERRY TALES.

the Court, to studdie the Law: but being neither capable of that nor scarce of common sence; it hap- pened that in discourse with a Gentleman of the same house, he held a very absur'd argument : whereupon the other desired him to render him some reason of that which he spoke. What reason should I give you? replyes the young Gull. Will you have a reason of the sunne ? the Gentleman makes answere : most sure I am, that if the reasons of the Father be no better than the reasons of the sonne, You may both goe very well together for a couple of Goxcomhes.

Of a Wench belonging to Hollands Leaguer.

'nr^WO Gentlemen came to the Leager on the Banck- -■- side, desirous to see the fashion of the place ; and knocking at the gates for entrance, out comes a young lisping Girle, newly entertained in thither from the Countery. Sayes one of them unto her, I prethee sweet heart is thy Mistresse within? the plaine Wench that would have sayd, her Mistresse was abroad (but not able to pronounce iJ ) answered him. Truly sir my Mistresse is a Bawde, We make no doubt of it, replyes the Gentlemen, that being the chief e of our

CITY JESTS. 173

comming, — saying this for jest. The Wench blushing at her mistake ran in, and they taking the advantage of the open gate, followed after; and took their rest.

A drunken mans mistake.

/^^NE Moon-shine night in hard frosty weather, a ^^ Water-man that was drunke sate downe on the shoare neere Tower-warfe, at a low tide, and falling a sleepe slept so long till the tide came in, and flowed by degrees even up to his mouth, the moone shining in his face; whereupon suddainely wakening, he sayd, no more drinhe now I ihanhe you heartily; but a few more cloathea if you please, arid then put out the Candle,

A French-mans observations.

A FRENCH Gentleman having lived some good while in England, at his returne was demanded what notable things he had scene and observed there. Why, saith he, at Court the ordinary people drinke in bootes, (meaning black Jackes) eate raw fish (meaning Oysters,) and strew their roomes with Hay, (meaning rushes.)

174 MERRY TALES.

A modest Answere.

/^NE soUiciting another mans wife improperly; ^-^ she sayd: sir, as long as I was a mayd, I obeyed my Parents; and now that I am a Wife I obey my Husband : therefore if your request [be honest and reasonable, I pray goe move it to my husband: for I assure you, I will doe nothing of importance without his consent.

A pretty shift

A MERRY conceited fellow drinking with some -^^- Comrades on a Sunday, in time of Divine Service, it chanced that the Church- Wardens came abroad, knockt, and entred the house where they were. His companions suspecting the businesse, slunk away. But he, resolved not to part from the chimney corner, that cold winter morning, craftily muffled himselfe in his cloake, and counterfeited himselfe a Grecian, answering nothing but pavure Ghristiane to all that was asked him. The Officers not once dreaming what a cousening knave was before them, mistaking him for a very Forreiner, left him where they found him ; thinking him to have more neede of pitty then punish- ment : so when their backs were turned, he laughed heartily at the jest, and fell to his tipple againe.

^^ ^ ^ " ,L.— '*i* ,.W9U — ' "^^ -

\l

CITY JESTS. 175

Women commending their

husbands.

/"'^ERTATNE Gossips tailing together, each of them ^-^ commended her owne husband for some one quality or other. One commended hers for being a good Scholler ; another hers for a proper man ; and a third extolled hers for his birth and -Gentility ; till at last one amongst the rest, that never had child, thanked God that she also had a very good husband, and one that was endowed with many good parts ;